In the End
by the Raven of Roses
Summary: In the end, it doesn't even matter...all of the work you put into saving the world. Because in the end, the world was doomed anyway. And in the end, you will have helped to destroy it. And in the end...you couldn't be happier. ch 7 up
1. In the End

_Everywhere I look, there's nothing. Nothing behind those masks and shells who pass themselves off as humans. It's almost maddening to think that they believe me to be insane. But then again, shells aren't capable of reason. They say humans are creatures of reason, but nothing I see here adds up.  
_  
Dib closed the journal and turned off his laptop. Everything had saved automatically anyway, so he wasn't worried about losing this entry. It was really too bad that such a brilliant mind had dedicated himself to something so twisted. Dib smiled at the thought and readjusted his glasses.  
"Dib, get downstairs and eat."  
Gaz appeared in the doorway, having somehow gotten past security. Several  
broken and mutilated security gnomes littered the floor. She smirked and pointed toward the stairs.  
"Now, Dib."  
Dib growled and grudgingly moved toward the door. Just his luck Gaz had figured out how to kill the gnomes. Even with his own modifications, Irken security droids were notoriously bad at protecting anything. Gaz smiled when Dib passed her and shut the door after clearing the threshold.

"I know I'm not really a cook, but ramen is good, Dib. You need to eat sometime. I don't need you developing an eating disorder. Now come on and eat it before the noodles get cold. I have chopsticks…"  
-clickclickclick- Gaz brandished the utensils like swords. Dib only glared, and she abandoned her attempt at cheerfulness. A bored look replaced her fake smile, and she ate silently, focused on her GameSlave 6.

"Hello, human," remarked Tak lazily, her own food half-eaten in front of her.

"Hey, Tak." Dib took a bowl of noodles and sat down, letting his negative aura spill over and flood the table.  
"Dib, if you insist on being a downer, go eat in the living room. There's already a cloud of dark energy hovering around the television." Tak picked up a clump of noodles and shoved them into her mouth. "Off you go."  
Dib stood and left the room, not bothering to take his food. The door slammed behind him, and he immediately felt the brisk November air rush past his face. He allowed himself a small grin and climbed up the side of the house to his room. A quick second to get his laptop and a book bag, and he was on the roof.  
The city looked so pretty from rooftops. The harsh reality of the grimy streets and the even grimier inhabitants was softened from high up, and Dib could almost kid himself for a minute that the city could be a beautiful place. Then a scream and a thud shattered the dream, and the city was dark and evil once again.  
It was easy to move from house to house. They had been so tightly packed together a few blocks away thanks to overpopulation that the gap between roofs was usually less than a foot wide. A hushed silence had fallen over the eerie landscape, jagged angles and sloping platforms echoing the sounds of traffic.  
And then his foot caught on a protruding power cable, sending Dib and book bag flying across the rooftops. The teenager came to a rest-and by that the author means he hit an unyielding surface and ceased to move-against a wall.  
He gasped for breath, then struggled up and began to look for his book bag. His laptop was battered, but it worked alright. It's not like the new scratches were detectable, anyway, considering the once-smooth plastic case was already covered in dents and scratches and partially melted. Hey, nobody said being a paranormal investigator was all fun and games.  
Once he had gathered everything, Dib turned on the laptop and logged on to the Net. (Long ago it had been called the Internet, but then access opened up to most of the planets within the galaxy and the one next-door, so they started calling it the InterGalacticNet, but that was too long, so now it's referred to simply as the Net.) He opened a link to the Presidentland EXTREME database. It was time to mess up some security.  
When the air raid sirens started going off, he decided that it was time to stop messing with international databases and leave.

Of course, he didn't go home. There was no point in it if he had his laptop. Gaz would more than likely forget about him after awhile and reimmerse herself in videogames. And Tak…well, she hated him anyway. So Dib set his sights on the cul de sac which had been Zim's base since the fourth grade.

"Gir? Open the door! And call off the gnomes while you're at it! They're gonna-"

The door flew open, and an insane robot tumbled out. It ran around poking at the gnomes until all of them had fallen over. Dib wondered why he didn't think of that and followed Gir back inside.

"Where's Zim?" asked Dib upon entering the living room.

"He makin stuffs in the lab!" squealed Gir.

"Like what?"

"Zimmy don't wanna be disturbed," answered Gir matter-of-factly.

"Aw, come on. I'm sure it's not that-"

**BOOM**

"On second thought, maybe I _should _stay up here. Anything weird happen lately?" Dib sat down on the couch and turned on the TV. "There's never anything good on before Mysterious Mysteries…."

"Gaz was here." In a surprising show of intelligence, Gir formed a complete sentence. And another. "She and Zim like playing videogames. I like Gaz. She brings tacos. And MOOSE! Minimoose is fun!"

Oh, well, it wouldn't have lasted much longer anyway…

Zim was of course working on a new plan to destroy the humans. This time, though, he was getting help. Though it made him make little sicky noises, he had enlisted the help of three fellow plotters. Two of them had been his sworn enemies, but after all, rules of war stated that alliances could and must be made to further the mission.

At that moment, he was attempting to genetically alter a piggie so that it could be programmed to attack humans, but so far the first three had exploded for no apparent reason. The weasel project had been put on hold, but it wasn't like that would ever go anywhere anyway, so it wasn't a big deal.

A noise made itself known upstairs. The sound was slight, but to Zim's soldier brain, it was loud enough to be considered a threat. He threw down his tools and crept stealthily to the elevator.

"COMPUTER!" he shrieked. "Take me to the…upstairs…thingy!"

The computer sighed and took him to the kitchen. It was hard enough obeying such a little irritant; the computer didn't need Zim YELLING at him. Zim, of course, didn't seem to notice, as his mind was focused on the source of the noise. He slunk around the back wall to the living room and-

"HA! NOW I"VE GOT Y-" Zim stopped short. "Oh. Greetings, worm baby. The Almighty ZIM was, er, just tell me when you're coming over, okay? You were almost reduced to a pile of jelly and teeth."

"Yeah, right, whatever, Zim." Dib allowed himself a rare smile and returned to his place on the couch. "Sorry to drop by like this, but I had to get out of the house."

Though every instinct screamed for him to kill the intruder and proceed with the mission, Zim controlled himself and managed a concerned look. The Dib human, after all, was one of the three whom he was working with now.

"What's wrong, Dib? You look more creepy than normal."

"Nothing, really. I'm just thinking about my dad, you know? I suppose you don't seeing as how you never had parents, but it's hard never having him around. I think Gaz desensitized herself a long time ago, and Tak isn't exactly helping. I'll leave soon, but for now I just need to cool down."

"Well, then, carry on. I'll be in the lab making an attack pig."

Well, at least Zim tried. He wasn't really worried about the human doing anything while he was in the lab. Dib had proven himself to be a trustworthy ally, bound as he was by human honor. Besides, as enthralled as his sister was with the Irken, Dib wouldn't do anything out of fear, if nothing else. Who knew what the Irken could to to Gaz, after all?

Zim allowed himself a smug smirk before continuing with his work. He would never do anything to harm a friend, but it was certainly amusing to have the human think that he would.

Minimoose hovered next to the work table, a confused look on his face.

"Meep," he cooed by way of communication.

"No, Minimoose, I'm not irritated. It's just a human."

"Meep."

"MAKE SILENCE, MINIMOOSE! ZIM NEEDS NOTHING OF YOUR CONDOLENCES!"

Minimoose gave a scared squeak and rocketed off, leaving Zim to his work.

"Hello, Zim."

Zim jumped. Gods, that Neptunian….If she wasn't careful, one of these days she'd find herself with a rather large hole in her chest. Not that a petty wound like that would kill her, but it would certainly be an inconvenience.

"Gaz! DO NOT SNEAK UP ON ZIM!"

"Zim, what did I tell you about yelling?"

"Er, sorry, Gaz. But…but stop sneaking up on Zim! I would not like to accidentally kill you."

"Oh, that would be unfortunate. Good thing you couldn't kill me if you tried. Why is my brother upstairs?"

"Something about your father and the humans hating him. I wouldn't know."

"This is the fourth time this week he's run off. Why can't we just put a tracking device on him or something?"

"His cells would reject it. The worm baby would be poisoned by his own immune system and die a horrible, HORRIBLE death."

"Oh, yeah…that's right…Well, anyway, just make sure he doesn't kill himself or something, okay? I don't want to have to go through that again."

"Trust me, Gaz, the human will be fine. It's just a small bout of that thing you call depression. He'll get over it soon enough."

"Last time he got depressed, I had to hide the sharp objects from him."

"Yes, yes, well he's going to be fine. He and Gir are watching Earth television. And if anyone can cheer a human up, it's Gir."

"I suppose so…" Gaz glanced upward and sighed. "Well, Zim, let's see what you're working on. Attack pigs? How about something a little more destructive? You know, like piggie droids that attack people. It's far too hard to experiment with organic things. They tend to explode on you. And from the looks of things, several already did. Do you need me to draw up some blueprints?"

"Er, yes, I suppose. Um…could the pigs have flamethrowers and rocket launchers?"

"Yes, Zim, whatever you say."

Gaz sat down next to Zim and pulled out a digi-draw appliance from a random pocket of her trench coat. A few quick sketches, and the prototype was ready for construction. A small grin graced Gaz's pale features for a moment when she handed the drawing to Zim, who looked vaguely annoyed.

"There. If there are any problems, let me know. You know where to find me."

Gaz stood and turned to leave, then froze. A hesitation, and she turned back to Zim. Almost embarrassedly, she hugged him and ran off, blushing furiously. Physical contact was not her thing. At all.

Zim just sat there, unable to move. He would never get used to Gaz's momentary lapses into emotion. Her scent clung to him, and he shook himself furiously, attempting to dislodge it. Neptunians always smelled strange. He felt the scent leave and went back to work. Better have that droid operational before skool tomorrow, or Gaz would kill him.

"Minimoose! Get the screwdriver appliance! We have serious work to do!"

Minimoose popped up from somewhere and handed Zim a screwdriver covered in peanut butter. Zim scowled and threw it away, prompting a mad game of fetch. A few minutes later, Zim finally found a replacement for the screwdriver and went to work.

Gaz was uneasy. Her brother had been even more depressed than normal lately, and he was so quiet that Gaz herself had trouble knowing when he entered a room. Now he had told her not to wait for him before heading off to skool like she normally did. Gaz left the house by herself, as Tak was always gone by the time she woke up anyway.

Zim looked surprised to see her without Dib trailing along behind. He swiftly concealed the emotion like he did any other and closed the door behind him, being careful not to let Gir get out. The small glances at Gaz betrayed the slight concern that passed for worry in the Irken's eyes.

"He says he's coming later," Gaz informed him, barely looking up from her GameSlave 6. "I think he's going to skip first hour."

"Oh. Er, I have the prototype ready…" Zim looked away. "It works well. I destroyed the neighbor human with it last night."

"Nice work. I'll take a look at it during lunch, okay?" A short pause, then "Let's skip first hour."

"But the teacher drones expect us-"

"Quit being such a hardass for once and do something crazy. We're going to hang out on the roof. Come on."

Gaz stowed her GS6 in some random pocket and jumped up onto a nearby parked car. Zim followed, and the pair took to the rooftops, much like Dib had done most nights since seventh grade. Their destination was the skool, but they weren't going inside.

"I love it up here. It's so peaceful." Gaz sat down and reclined against a pipe. "Nothing can touch you when you're up high. You can get away from everything, look down on everything. It doesn't matter that the ones down there are killing each other and hurting each other and making this world complete crap. Here, nothing matters except what's up here with you."

There was another small silence, and Gaz grinned at Zim. The grin was empty, though, and it gave none of the warmth of her other rare smiles. Zim shivered involuntarily at the void that the girl represented. Gaz was the only creature, living, dead, or otherwise, who could frighten him.

"Don't let me scare you, Zim. I'm just musing. Anything you care to add while we're on the subject?"

"Not really. I AM-"

"Yes, yes, we know. Do you have tourettes or something? This whole screaming thing is getting annoying."

"Er, sorry. You are right, though. It is quiet here. The humans seem so far away now. They will fall so easily…"

"Sit down, Zim. The roof is big enough for the both of us."

Reluctantly, Zim took a seat next to Gaz, being careful not to sit too close. Then Gaz leaned against his shoulder without a sound. They spent the next eternity, it seemed, just staring off into the bloody red sky.

"Just think, Zim," sighed Gaz, gesturing to the world they so loathed. "Someday, the sky will actually be red with blood and fire, not just this sunrise. Someday, the humans will be no more, and this planet will be retaken by nature, the very thing that humans smothered to the point of extinction. And I can't wait until that day comes, Zim. I just can't wait."

"Gaz, Zim, get off the roof. We should be getting to class. First hour's almost over." Dib landed in a crouch next to the pair, scowling as usual at their chummy behavior. "And if you insist on doing that, get a room."

"Shut your noise tube, worm baby." Zim stood up, being careful not to step on Gaz's hair. All he needed was to have HER wrath against him.

"Dib, why did you have to ruin this moment? I was musing about the destruction of mankind..." Gaz stood and brushed off her dress. "Oh well. Let's get to class."

The group hurried off, leaving the rooftop empty and silent once again.

"So, guys, any new developments?" asked Dib, wiping off his glasses on his shirt.

"Not exactly. Zim's got an attack droid built, but other than that, I can't say. You?"

"I found out how to make a bomb."

"Nice. What kind?"

"Nuke-based atom devolutionizer. It'll destroy any atom that comes in contact with it."

"Ooh, I like. Zim?"

"Yes, yes, the very thought fills me with DOOM. I congratulate you on your developments. How long until we can carry out the plan?"

"I'd pin it at about Valentines' Day." Gaz smiled. "How lovely to destroy them on the very day of joy that they value above all else."

"Yes." Dib smiled. "I can't wait."

In reality, a sick twisting feeling was overtaking his stomach. Could he really follow through on his plan? Could he actually kill every human being on the Earth? Could he destroy even his own father? The man who was responsible for his very existence thus far?

And then the feeling subsided. His father may as well be dead already. Nothing could stop the plan now. Not even a father who was never there anyway.

"Dib? Dib? Earth to Dib."

Dib blinked. "What?"

"We're at the door now. Focus, and try not to look stoned. The last thing we need is you being put in a rehab center for a nonexistent addiction." Gaz gave him a sideways glance and opened the door.

The rest of the class was already seated. Then again, the bell had just rung a minute ago, so it made sense, but that made it no easier to enter the room. Dib tried not to let the fragments of nervousness crystallize into his mind and followed his sister into the classroom.

"You're late," growled their teacher, a Miss Bitters clone aptly named Miss Venom. "Now take your seats before the sentry rats gnaw off your legs."

"Can't she just die already?" muttered Dib to his sister.

"Patience, brother. Soon we will be rid of her. Just try to deal with it for now."

Dib sighed and sat down at his desk. Gaz and Zim took their seats next to him in the very back of the room, and class began. Miss Venom droned on about something weird like the implosion of space and the end of the world, and Dib was free to muse about whatever came to mind.

The bomb would need some modifications. He couldn't afford to have it destroy everything. He would have to program it to vaporize only human tissue. Having all life wiped out would leave the planet completely useless. His plan was to let the planet Earth start over, to perhaps fix its mistakes and make something better than the horrible pit it had become.

Humans were a thing of the past. Dib could feel the species' impeding demise, whether from war or simple extinction. He also knew that he was a much more advanced being, a small taste of evolution's plans for the survival of the fittest. Any human that survived the nuclear holocaust would be a being worthy of the chance to begin anew. Only the true heirs of the planet could live. It was part of natural selection, albeit from unnatural means.

Would Membrane be one of the survivors? He thought not. In fact, Dib would make SURE the professor was among the fallen. He could not risk having another genius ruin the plan. No, he would have to take care of Membrane in the VERY near future.

"Dib?"

Dib blinked. "What?"

"We're meeting today at Zim's to discuss our progress," muttered Gaz, careful not to look his way. "Bring your blueprints with you. We'll need them. Oh, and Dib..." Gaz gave him a single long stare. "We also have to sort out the issue of the professor."

"So what are we going to do, exactly?"

The three plotters were in Zim's labs, or more specifically, the "making stuff room." Gaz perched on an inoperational security gnome, her GS6 in hand. Dib sat across from her in the only chair while Zim paced back and forth, restless.

"I mean, we have a plan, but there's nothing that we really have specified. Dib's making a bomb, I'm working on a weapons upgrade for Zim's ship, and Zim is constructing attack droids. But we still don't know how we're gonna do this."

The others nodded in agreement. Gir ambled in, sucking away on a Suck Monkey, and left as quietly as he'd come. (That meant he ran into everything, attempted to use his jets, and crashed into the ceiling before finally finding the elevator.)

"Something concrete has to be laid down before we leave here today, guys." Gaz set down her GS6 and looked her fellow conspirators in the eye. "So what exactly are we going to do?"

Little by little, the plan came into being. First Zim would deploy the droids to take out the leaders of the planet. The droids would destroy as many power plants and security facilities as possible, leaving the humans completely vulnerable to attack. Then the droids would report back to Zim's base for storage until they were needed again.

Dib would then detonate the bombs, effectively destroying 90 of all human life. He would do so from the safety of Zim's ship, which would be somewhere in the upper atmosphere. As soon as the radiation had dissipated-the bomb's components had a half-life of two seconds-they would return to wipe out any remaining humans.

Meanwhile, Zim would target any major cities on the planet, vaporizing all traces of civilization. The entire operation would take less than six hours.

"Sounds good. We carry out the plan on Valentines' Day. I can truthfully say that..." Gaz giggled. "...that day will be the best one of my life."

"I'll get more droids operational," Zim pledged with an evil grin. "They should be simple after constructing the prototype. I should have them ready by Saturday."

"I guess I'll work out the last bugs on the bombs. Should be done by the end of the month." Dib looked up at the ceiling. "So we're really going through with this?"

Suddenly, Zim looked very serious. He stopped his pacing and glared at his allies. Nothing happened for a long time, but then Zim took a deep breath and began to speak.

"Friends, this is a very serious mission. If any of us faltered for even a second, the entire plan could be brought down. Are you both committed to the plan? Are you ready to take on everything it entails?"

No answer for a long time. Then Gaz nodded and smiled. Dib follwed suit, but the sick feeling was back. He wasn't entirely sure yet.

"Dib-human, I know you will be weakest. Can you really fight against your father in this, Earth's last battle? I know that humans do not care to wage war against their family. If you cannot handle it, I will be forced to destroy you, but I do not wish to make you do something you are incapable of."

Zim could really be eloquent when he stopped shouting. Dib saw the deadly look in the red orbs and knew that he wasn't kidding. An Irken was a heartless destroyer, and nothing could get in the way of that.

"Well what about Tak? Isn't she part of the plan?" asked Dib, remembering for the first time the other alien.

"She's told me that her part of the plan will be clean-up. Tak will go in with her superior monitoring system and eliminate any humans that manage to survive the onslaught. We don't need her to help plan at this stage. She's already way ahead of us." Gaz glared at her sibling. "Now are you with us or not?"

Destroy Membrane? Could he really?

"I'm planning on taking care of Membrane myself. He's not my father. A real dad would have listened to me."

Gaz was somewhat surprised at her sibling's reaction. Though she had expected him to be able to follow through, nothing had prepared her for an answer like that. She didn't know how much Dib hated his father.

"Good. When do you plan on dispatching with the professor-human?"

"Right before we initiate the plan. If I kill him too early, the lab would start to wonder. I think I'll do it the night before."

"I think it's time for you to leave. The humans might be getting suspicious." Zim gave shifty-eyed glances at nothing in particular. "Go! Be gone with you..."

Gaz rolled her eyes, but she knew Zim had a point. They had been spending too much time lately planning. If any of the humans actually did something intelligent, their plan might fall apart. She dropped lightly to the ground and brushed off her skirt, ignoring the continued muttering of Zim about the end of the world. A quick gesture to her brother, and the group made their way to the elevator.

"Er, Gaz?" Zim pulled her aside after Dib had gone up to the main floor. "Could I talk to you for-"

"What is it, Zim? I want to finish this level tonight."

"Well, er, the human, Dib...Are you sure he will be able to follow through with the plan?" Zim looked uneasy. "He seemed to have the brain worms."

"Don't worry about him not being up to the mission. He's actually scaring me with how into it he is. It's so inhuman."

"Inhuman? Is the Dib child not an Earthling?"

"Stop spazzing out. Just because he seems inhuman doesn't mean he's NOT human. It's just an expression humans use for when someone is weird. They called me inhuman all the time, but that doesn't mean they think I'm an alien. And even YOUR disguise is fooling everyone but my brother. Now can I go?"

"Yes, yes, fine...but watch out for your human sibling. I'm not an expert on the workings of the mind, but he seems...messed up in the head."

"I will, Zim. Just work on those droids, okay? I have to finish this level." Gaz gave him one last look and took the elevator up to the surface.

Dib was on the verge of collapse. Not physically, but mentally. The walls he had built to keep himself from going over the edge were weakening. If the onslaught continued, something was going to snap. He could blow the entire mission if something like that happened.

He took to the roof again, settling just above where his room was. If nothing could see him, nothing could push him into the abyss. All he had to do was stay there, and he would be fine. Nothing could touch him on the roof. Nothing.

And then he found himself curled in a ball, sobbing like a child. Dammit; he was supposed to be DONE with this. Why was he always so weak? Nothing was supposed to touch him up here. He was supposed to be safe.

But perhaps that meant being safe to break down. He could cry up here without being found and ridiculed. Once he was sane again, he could go back and replace the mental shields, go back to the humans he so hated.

"Why are you leaking, human?"

Oh, dear God, no. Dib turned and saw none other than Tak sitting next to him, staring at him with an almost concerned look on her face. No, no, that couldn't be right. Tak didn't feel concern.

"Human? Answer me."

Dib tried to hide his face and failed. "I'm not leaking. It's just...just something in my eye."

"Bull. You're distressed."

"I don't want to talk about it."

Tak sighed and looked up into the stars. Her olive-toned features were smooth, expressionless, but there was some inner musing going on behind her eyes. She smiled.

"Well, Dib, I can't say I understand what's happening, seeing as how Irkens cannot feel, but I can say that you are feeling depression. Why, I do not know, but you should tell someone about it. Perhaps that will make the weight easier to bear."

"I'm not telling you. You wouldn't understand."

"You're probably right, you know, but I don't like seeing my ally sobbing like a little dirt child. What is bothering you?"

"Nothing. Everything. I don't even know anymore. Why I'm even telling you this is a mystery, but whatever. The humans hate me, my father could care less about me, and my sister doesn't care about anything. Now I'm plotting to destroy the Earth, and I still feel like killing myself. What ELSE could be wrong?"

"Lots of things. You could be in an asylum like when you were ten, or you could actually BE dead. The Earth officials could be at your doorstep to convict you for plots against mankind. You could discover that your sister is nothing more than an alien who was sent to destroy you and who has no feelings of loyalty for you or your life at all. I could also kill you. That's just off the top of my head." Tak laughed. "When I think of how good you have it now, human..."

"Shut up. I don't need your sympathy."

"I never said I feel sympathetic. Irkens don't feel, remember? I'm just stating the facts. If you don't think you've got it good, you must really be a lot less intelligent than we've all given you credit for."

Dib took a moment to think it over. He really DID have it pretty good, all things considering. The conspirators didn't even need to worry about money, given the fact that Membrane was rich enough to support a large country for years. If they put everything under his name, no one would even notice the massive amounts of stuff they would have to buy. Nothing was stopping them from bringing about mankind's demise.

So why did he feel so horrible?

"I'm sorry, Tak. I'm being an idiot. Really, I'm fine. Don't waste your breath talking to me. I'm not worth it."

"I have never met a being who thought like that."

Dib stared at Tak. "What?"

"You ought to be ashamed of yourself. I cannot BELIEVE you would think like that. No being is worthless. Some only exist to be killed, but every being has a purpose. And if nothing has killed you yet, I'd say you have something else in the way of destiny awaiting you."

"Since when did you start making inspirational speeches, Tak?"

"Well, since I acquired troops. Troops need inspiration. They need to have good morale. And you, soldier, desperately need good morale."

Of course. Tak only thought as a soldier. Dib sighed and sat up, not really feeling much better. Tak had tried, but she was just a soldier, after all. And soldiers, no matter how good their intentions are, can't do anything for an emotionally wounded teenager.

"Come on, Dib. Let's go inside. It's cold out here for a human. I can heat up some of that pizza nourishment you and your sister are so fond of." Tak skittered to the edge of the roof and dropped down onto the lawn. "Dib-human? Are you coming?"

Dib smiled. It was funny how she tried to be human. In the end, it didn't matter.

Time slowly passed. The plan went on as scheduled, with each conspirator working on their own portion of the plot. they had nicknamed their mission "In the End," after the song Dib had unearthed in his collection of old music. That music disc became the soundtrack to their lives, pouring out its tortured noise straight into their minds. With each new day, the four once-enemies became closer, bound as they were by a single goal, a common secret that they could tell no one. And as Christmas came and went, it looked like the end was finally in sight.

"Did you finish that upgrade, Gaz?"

"Depends. Did you work out the bugs in the droids?"

"Of COURSE I did!"

"Then yes, I did."

"How about you, Dib?"

"They should be operational by the end of the week."

"Good. I've got my ship upgraded to search out human DNA. Looks like we're all ahead of schedule. Is there anything we're not too strong on?"

"Well, we still have to perform the final tests on the droids. Maybe we can set them on the skoolchildren. I can't wait!" Gaz cackled evilly and was soon joined by her allies.

"Mimi's got the other SIR units rounded up. She's giving out orders as we speak. I hear they will perform the preliminary strikes against the world leaders, disabling their aircraft and any other vehicles they can find. Gir should be very good at that." Tak finally got her breath back enough to speak. "I can't believe we've really almost done it! I feel like the proverbial dirt-child in a sweets shop."

"That's 'kid in a candy store,' Tak," corrected Dib with a small smile. He'd been doing that a lot lately, smiling. It was rather pleasant.

"Dib?"

"What? Oh. Sorry. Just thinking about stuff. What were you saying?"

"I was asking you if you were going to dispatch with the professor soon," repeated Gaz, a slight scowl making its way back to her features.

"Oh, yeah, but not quite yet. I have to wait until he's really into working downstairs. If I kill him too soon, people will wonder."

How aptly that described his relationship with his father. But the more he thought about it, the more he realized...the professor hadn't said a word to Dib for weeks. Rather, it was everything he DIDN'T say that was driving his son over the edge. Dib almost hoped that someone would discover the plot, that his father might actually realize just how serious the teen's problems really were.

"Hey, Dib," Tak remarked, "you seem awfully quiet about all this. Not getting nervous, are you?"

Dib thought about it for a moment. Then he smiled, and that smile sent shivers down his alien allies' spines.

"No, Tak, I'm not nervous. In fact...I'm really excited. I can't wait to destroy them all. My ultimate revenge is just weeks away. Don't worry about me. I'm fine."

Gir dropped by to ask if the impending doom would kill the piggies and the moose. Once assured that neither pigs, moose, nor tacos would be harmed, he wandered off again to keep working on his part of the plan.

Dib glanced at the small black capsule in his palm. Once detonated, that tiny black cylinder would create a cloud of doom miles high and wide enough to envelope the entire country. The humans would feel no pain. Just a fleeting burst of light, and then they would be gone. Nature would again take over the planet, and all would be right with the universe.

"Guys, it's only a month until the plan goes into effect. What do you say we try to enjoy the last month of humanity's reign? I know a great amusement park."

Everyone looked at Dib, astonished. Why would DIB, of all people, want to enjoy humanity? Perhaps there was something wrong with his brainmeats. But none of them would pass up the chance to go out and enjoy themselves.

He would kill Membrane tonight. It was decided in Dib's mind as well as his heart. It was a little earlier than he had planned, but the chance was too good to pass up. Three days before the plan was to go into effect, Membrane had come home from the lab and immediately immersed himself in work downstairs. If ever there was a time to do it, now was it.

Dib took the knife from his pocket, marveling at its perfectly smooth surface, the sheen of the mirror-clean blade. Years before, it seemed, he had looked at this knife and thought of ending his own life, had almost succeeded. Now it was to be put to a slightly different use, to spill the blood of another.

Slowly, ever so quietly, Dib eased the door to the basement open. He made his way noiselessly down the stairs, pausing to make certain that he was not heard. The silhouette of the professor gradually made itself known, and Dib stopped trying to be silent. He couldn't just sneak up on him, after all. It wasn't fair.

"Dad? Dad, could I talk to you for a second?"

Membrane turned, but didn't falter in his work. "Yes, son?"

"I just wanted to say...I'm sorry for everything I've done, all teh times I've embarrassed you over the years."

Membrane put down his tools. "Well, Dib, this certainly is sudden. I, uh, forgive you for all of that. It's not your fault you're crazy."

Dib fell silent. The professor didn't seem to notice, as he kept talking.

"No, you're just too obsessed with that paranormal thing. You have to focus on REAL science, Dib."

"I'm not crazy, Dad."

Every trace of pity for the professor vanished. Dib turned coldly to the man he was forced to call Father and ran a finger over the blade in his pocket.

"I'm not insane. Zim is an alien, and so is that girl who's been staying here. I've been trying to save the Earth since the fourth grade."

"You keep thinking that, son. My poor, insane son..."

Dib pulled out the knife. Membrane's eyes widened behind the lenses, and he took a step backward. His son advanced, the knife glittering in the florescent light.

"Guess what, Dad?" Dib smiled. "I'm going to destroy the human race."

The knife flew through space. Its target loomed closer, and in a split second, scarlet covered the front of Membrane's immaculately clean white lab coat. In the end, Membrane was just human. Dib watched his father fall with a cold gleam in his eye.

"Sorry, Dad," murmured Dib, bending over the still-twitching body and removing the knife from Membrane's trachea. "I've already broken. Too bad you never cared enough to realize it."

He set the lab to take care of itself, to simulate human activity. The tears in his eyes obscured his vision to the point of blindness, but somehow he was able to get the cleaning crew to take care of the corpse. The only thing he bothered to keep was his father's glasses, a single small memento of the once-great professor. Then he left the lab as quietly as he'd come.

"I'm sorry, Dib."

Those were the only words of condolence that his sister had to offer on the day of their grand destruction. They were in Zim's ship high in the upper atmosphere, and Gir was already heading the preliminary strike. Soon it would be time for the droids to wipe out the world's leaders.

"Droids activated," announced Zim's computer. "So this is it, then? We're destroying the humans?"

"Yes, computer," answered the Irken with a small smile. "We shall destroy them today. It's been...fun."

"Droids have taken out world leaders. Awaiting detonation."

Dib let his fingers play over the remote. All he had to do was key in the sequence, and doom would be unleashed. Time passed, and he did nothing.

"Dib, are you okay?" Gaz looked worried. "Just type in the sequence. We've worked hard to get to this point."

Dib smiled and keyed in the first number. Nothing left now but the other three. Nothing left but his three allies, his friends. They were in this together. Next number. Only they, the superior ones, would be left. Earth could start over. Third number. Tears were coursing their silent way down from Dib's eyes, and still he smiled. The world had to end sometime. Last number.

Clouds erupted all over the planet. Dib could feel the life draining, the human race vanishing in one instant. He had destroyed them. He had killed everything that he knew. And he couldn't be happier.

"Commencing organic sweep," chorused Zim and Tak's computers in unison, and the Voot cruiser made a hard left.

"Good job, Dib," murmured Gaz. "You did well. The human race is past. The time for nature is now. Humanity will eventually rebuild itself...Mother Earth will begin anew and try to fix her mistakes. Someday, a better humanity will arise and bring honor to the name of Homo sapien. But until then, brother, we will keep watch and monitor Her progress, cheering Her on into Her new life."

"Dib," Zim called from the cockpit, "I think you need some time to let go. Why don't we check on the planet and move on, eh? I think Neptune would be glad to see us. Don't you think so, Gaz?"

"Yes, Zim," laughed Gaz, smiling at her Earth sibling's confusion. "I do believe they would love to see us and hear the story of the noble retaking of Earth. And while we're at it, I suggest renaming the planet. After all, Earth is no more."

"I like Terra. Sound good to you?" Zim's computer just had to be part ot the conversation.

"You know, Terra means 'earth' anyway, but I like it. It has a certain regal quality, you know? Fine. Terra it is."

Gaz looked out at the new planet. Terra was in for an interesting future.

"Hey, guys!" Tak came in over the intercom. "I think it's time to pull out. Nothing significant is left here. I've got our SIR units and encapsulated the labs. Yours too, Dib. By the way, you're no longer Human. You've graduated. Now you're a citizen of the universe."

The sky was turning red. Fires broke out all over the planet, destroying everything in its path.

Dust and smoke obscured the bloody red sky. Everything was fading away, the life Dib had known, the people he had hated.

They didn't matter in the end. They were just human, after all.

Nothing mattered in the end.

Dib smiled. In the end, the only things that mattered were the people who had been part of this plan. In the end, everything mattered. And in the end, he was with the only people who could truly understand him.

Author's note: Wow. That was...interesting. I'm not exactly sure what happened, but I think I destroyed the human race. It was a logical conclusion, I guess, but it's weird to write something so post-apocalyptic. Hope you liked this little journey into insanity, cuz I sure did. Lyrics by Linkin Park, by the way. Lovely angsty band, really. And never fear, I WILL be writing more zimfics. I can hear some of you sighing in disappointment, and to those people I say WHY THE HELL ARE YOU EVEN READING THIS IF YOU HATE ME FICS! O well. Anyway, I'm thinking about an epilogue kinda thing, maybe a side-story or two. I was gonna have Dib go crazy, but I guess that's not happening unless I make an alternate little series of fics. Hmm...eh, I'll stop musing and wrap this up. The two songs featured here were ones I kind of use as me theme songs, ya know? They fit well into this fic, and my apologies to anyone who was annoyed by them. I've never done a kind of songfic thingy before. Eh, this is getting long. Whatever. Pleasant something, people.

Raven, your Friendly Neptunian Insomniac


	2. Second Chance

6-20-05

Zim sat in front of the dimly glowing computer screen, the light casting shadows on his already weathered face. He was a sickly pale yellow color, ready to collapse but unwilling to surrender himself to sleep. He had to keep working. The others were depending on him. If he didn't get the weapons operational again, they would kill him. Well, no they wouldn't, but they'd still be very angry.

His companions slept easy in the next room. Tak wasn't exactly sleeping, but she'd entered her rest cycle. Gaz, last time Zim had checked, had her eyes closed and her arms crossed over her chest. She would have looked dead if not for the fact that her chest moved with her slow, even breathing. Dib was curled up on his bunk, defensive even in sleep. His comrades, his...friends? No, not quite. Irkens had no friends. They were soldiers in his division, and they had seen battle together.

Suddenly, the com link crackled. Zim glanced up sharply, closed out of the maintenance screen, and opened the communications link. The faces of two regal-looking Irkens filled the view screen. Zim gasped and averted his eyes, desperately trying to find a way to make his skin greener.

"Hey, Zim, how ya doin?" One of the Irkens-it had purple eyes-shoved a fistful of chips into its mouth.

"M-my Tallest?" Zim choked, still averting his eyes. "To what do I owe this honor?"

"Look, Zim, we quit doing the theatrics awhile ago." The other one rolled its red eyes and sighed. "Now we cut straight to the point. We saw what you did to the humans. Sloppy, leaving everything else, but still impressive. I mean, enlisting the help of a human genius was, uh, genius. And that Neptunian...she's creepy. Tak was just crazy anyway, so she doesn't really matter."

"What Red is trying to say is we want you to come back. Lead an army or something. You know, all that good stuff." Purple swallowed another fistful of chips. "You interested?"

"I...of COURSE I want to come back! To lead an army and serve My Tallest, that has always been my DREAM! What do I have to do to please you, my lords?"

"Hey, hey, wait a minute, Zim. We were getting to that part!" Purple grumbled unhappily for a long time, and Red got annoyed with him and decided to continue for him.

"There's only one catch to the whole thing. You've gotta kill your little minions. They could pose a threat to the Empire. You get rid of them, we make you the leader of your own army."

They cut the transmission after telling Zim to contact them when he;d disposed of his companions.

Zim didn't move. His breathing became harsh, ragged, and the color returned to his face. To please the Tallest he must kill the very beings who had helped him find a purpose after the Tallest destroyed him. He would lead an army. He could bring about the doom of countless planets. He would have to kill his comrades. He would have power. He would be accepted by the Tallest. He would be alone.

He stood. How easy it would be to kill them in their sleep. He could cut off the air to their sleeping quarters. They would suffocate without ever waking. He could slit their throats. Dib had a knife sitting on his desk. A single swipe of that knife could end the human's life. Another stroke could spill the brilliant lifeblood of the Neptunian. One more would kill a fellow Irken. It was so easy.

Dib had done it. he had killed one of his own. Zim could easily do the same. All it took was one little slice, one blow. A flip of a switch. How fragile their lives were. So small an effort to take the ultimate treasure. How easily he could extinguish them.

Zim drifted into the sleeping quarters, heading straight for Dib's bunk. The knife was there, glittering in the dim glow of florescent lights. Zim picked it up. So smooth, so light, so deadly. He could see the reflection of Gaz in the polished blade. An emotion fought its way toward the surface, smothered before it could get to air. His three comrades slept easy, oblivious to the silent drama being played out before them. Zim stared at Gaz's reflection, at her lying so peacefully. She was like a corpse in a coffin. One stroke would MAKE her one.

Zim turned. Tak's sightless eyes mocked him, dared him to do it. Even unconscious she tried to goad him. Mimi slept curled up next to her, the smooth metal rising and falling as Tak breathed. One cut, and Tak's chest would fall and still. Mimi could easily be rewired to serve Zim. Just another cut, and she too would become his devoted servant.

And then he went back to Dib. Silently, the human seemed to cry out. He reminded Zim of saving his life so long ago, that day when Dib had reached his lowest point. Had Zim saved his life only to end it himself? Zim raised the knife.

And the reflection of Gaz burned into his eyes. He struck. And again. And again. The knife danced in a flurry of chaotic fury, biting into its targets time after time. Zim found himself sobbing, but he couldn't say why. He collapsed to the ground, his tiny frame shaking uncontrollably.

Gaz bolted upright. Soon after, Tak and Dib followed suit. Their pillows had been hacked up, some of the cuts coming just up to their heads. Gaz felt at her neck and touched the ends of newly severed hair. She allowed herself one small gasp of air at the sight of Zim's crumpled form. Together, she and the others rushed to him, fearing the worst.

What they found was the completely unharmed Irken clutching a knife and locks of violet hair. He was crying, the choking sobs twisting his tiny frame. There was nothing that anyone could say. Zim had seriously considered killing them. Something made him snap. Gaz wiped away a tear and tried to put a hand on his shoulder.

"GET AWAY FROM ME!" screamed Zim, recoiling from her touch.

"Zim, what happened?" asked Tak, her voice for once devoid of any sarcasm.

"The-the Tallest. Said I could come back. Had to kill you." Zim buried his head in his arms and refused to talk any more.

"It's okay, Zim. We're here. The Tallest never meant what they said. they just want to mess with your head. Don't listen to them." Dib was trying his best to comfort his comrade, but the Irken seemed inconsolable.

"I tried to kill you. I tried to kill you." He just kept repeating it over and over again.

"But you didn't, Zim. It doesn't make you a horrible person to consider an offer like that. They hurt you, and they know you're still completely devoted to them. But you're better than that. Calm down."

It was Tak's words that slowly silenced the sobs. Surprised, Gaz and Dib stared at her. She shrugged and pried the knife from Zim's trembling fingers.

"What? Don't think I'm going soft. I just want to avert a disaster, here." She rolled her eyes and set the knife back on the desk.

"Zim, everything is okay. You need sleep." Gaz carefully lifted the Irken onto her bed. "Rest now. We'll talk things over when you wake up, okay?"

Amazingly, Zim's eyes closed. Seconds later, he was fast asleep.

Irkens aren't supposed to love. It's not built into their genetics. They are supposed to be cold killing machines that serve only their masters. Feelings are for the other species, the creatures Irkens destroy. Only a defective would ever consider emotion.

Zim is a defective. He feels love. It's not supposed to happen, but perhaps emotion isn't so horrible. Because he feels love, Zim is not a monster.


	3. Dude, Where's my Planet?

8-21-05

"ZIM! YOUR STUPID ROBOT BROKE MY GS6!"

Zim dodged a flying robot and entered the sleeping quarters. Gaz hovered over a small electronic device that looked as though it had been broken in half. Her eyes glowed red as Zim approached, but she didn't attack him. Yet.

"Er...Gaz? Are you-"

"FIX IT OR DIE!" snarled Gaz, her voice overlaid with a deep, evil growl.

Zim cautiously took the GS6 away from her and retreated to the cockpit. Dib was there, but he ignored him. Zim had relative quiet as he set about repairing the gaming system.

Half an hour and six electrocutions later, Zim handed back the GS6. Gaz hugged it to her chest and fled, presumably to the storage area.

"She didn't kill you. Amazing," remarked Dib, not looking up from his laptop.

"I wasn't the one who broke that thing," Zim pointed out.

"True. Still, I've seen the guy next to the one who trips her get his head caved in." Dib typed something furiously and leaned closer to the screen.

"Really? I think I like that Neptunian even more."

"Great. You'd make a perfect couple," drawled Dib, squinting to read the encrypted message. "Oh. Shit."

"What is it, H-Dib?"

"We killed all the humans, right?"

"Of course." Zim stood behind Dib, attempting in vain to read the words on the screen.

"I think we missed a few." Dib's eyes widened. "Okay, we missed a LOT more than a few."

"Shit."

"Yeah. So I said a minute ago. What're we gonna do about it?"

Zim rested his hands on the back of Dib's chair. What were they going to do about the humans? The filthy monkeys should have been destroyed...what would it have been? A year ago? More than likely. There should be only a few stragglers left, but from the sound of Dib's voice, there had to be at least a few million around.

"I'm...not sure. We need to call a conference."

And he was gone, leaving Dib to his laptop.

A small, struggling ship limped its way along. Dents and cracks marred its shell, and its viewscreen was dark with dirt. There was barely any fuel left, and even less air. The ship drifted toward the two Irken cruisers, accompanied by a larger vessel of Vortian origin.

A small red distress beacon stuttered to life. The two Irken cruisers picked up on it and hesitantly allowed the ships to approach...

"What is this?"

Zim's arrogant question pretty well spoke for the entire group. They sat in the cockpit, cramped as they were, and in front of them was a tiny, crippled Irken cruiser and an ancient Vortian warship. Gaz cautiously opened a communication link.

"Zim?" crackled a dimly familiar voice. "Zim, is that your ship?"

Zim hurriedly moved to the mic. "Of COURSE, you pitiful scum. State your name, rank, and intentions. NOW!"

There was a loud rush of static, and something that sounded like "Skoo" crackled through.

"Zim, let me handle this." Gaz took over the communications, adjusting the link to its highest clarity. "We're sorry, but you need to repeat that. Your com link is badly damaged.

"You don't think we KNOW that?" huffed a different voice. "For YOUR information, we've been through an intergalactic battle."

"Fine, fine, just tell us who you are."

"Skoodge, Former Irken Invader; Tenn, also Former Irken Invader; and Vortian Prisoner #777. We need assistance badly, if you haven't noticed!"

"Of course we'll provide assistance immediately. Permission to dock our ships on the Vortian craft?" Gaz tapped the mic a few times to make sure it was still working.

"Yes, yes, so long as you can help us."

Zim and Tak's ships docked on the Vortian warship, along with the damaged Cruiser. Skoodge and Tenn abandoned the cruiser just as the last of the air ran out.

"So." Tenn held out a gloved hand. "Nice to meet you, Gaz. I'm Tenn."

"Hi. This is my brother, Dib." Gaz shook her hand and gestured to the human.

"Brother? But you-" Tenn started, but Gaz gave her a glare of death, and she changed subjects. "I've heard much about you, Dib. You destroyed the humans, correct?"

"Yeah. They didn't deserve to inhabit such a beautiful planet."

"The planet is beautiful. It's been renamed, hasn't it?"

"We decided to call it Terra," interjected Gaz.

"Lovely. It sounds much better than 'dirt.'" Tenn turned away from the two and addressed Zim and Tak. "Good to see you're both in good condition."

"I'm sorry about the thing with the SIR units," muttered Zim in a rare fit of remorse. "It wasn't my fault they switched the labels on the packages."

"Don't worry about it. I managed to recruit most of them and rewire them." Tenn grinned and snapped her fingers.

A stampede of SIR units, each a bit different from the rest, clambered into the room. They all surveyed the new creatures, determined them non-threatening, and stood at attention behind their mistress.

"I think they're much nicer than the normal SIRS," Tenn laughed. "They have personalities. Your SIRS should get along with them very well."

"Why are we exchanging these pleasantries?" huffed Tak. "We should be doing something more productive. Like repairing that ship."

"I'll go with you, Tak," offered Tenn. "It'll give us a chance to catch up on things."

"Fine, whatever. Let's just go."

Tak and Tenn headed off for the crippled vessel, leaving the others to resume introductions.

"Glad to meet you, Gaz," grinned Skoodge, bowing deeply. "I've heard a lot about you."

"Thank you. It's nice to meet you, too. This is-"

"You're an Irken too? You and Tenn?" Dib didn't bother to wait to be introduced. "How many of you are there?"

"I have no idea. Probably a few million. Most of them are always off-planet, though, so there might be more. You used to be Zim's enemy, right? So why are you working with him now?"

"I have my reasons."

Zim finally spoke. "Everyone, this is Vortian Prisoner number 777."

The Vortian smiled and nodded, every bit the old, wise teacher. "Just call me 777. I didn't much like my old name anyway. It's nice to meet such generous beings such as yourselves."

"Yes, yes, that's all very interesting." Zim waved the words away with a gloved hand and wandered off, presumably to help with the repairs.

"So you were a prisoner? How'd you manage to get out of jail?" asked Dib, immediately fascinated.

"The Irkens don't watch their garbage chutes very well."

"Oh." Dib winced. "Oh."

The Vortian laughed and ran a hand over his graying scalp. "My people helped design almost everything the Irkens use today. I'm actually surprised that the Resisty hasn't scooped me up yet."

"The Resisty?" Dib grinned. "That's a stupid name."

"Tell that to Lard Nar," chucked 777.

"Are you guys hungry?" Gaz gestured to Tak's ship. "We have snacks if you need anything."

"No, no, I'm fine." 777 waved the offer away with another serene smile.

Dib turned to Gaz, and they shared a look that said, quite plainly, "What the hell has he been SMOKING?" Skoodge saw them and gave a shrug of mutual confusion. 777 didn't seem to notice.

"Shall we go see how the repairs are coming?" asked 777, turning his steady gaze to the direction Tak, Tenn, and Zim had gone.

"It's not like we've got anything better to do," Skoodge pointed out.

A short while later, the ship had been repaired and restocked. Our heroes then found themselves in the Vortian ship's conferencing room.

"We've repaired the engines and got the oxygen levels up," reported Tenn happily. "The cruiser should be good for another century or so." You could almost see the emoticon floating above her head.

"That's lovely," murmured 777, a strange dazed grin on his face.

"Er...so does that mean you're going to leave now?" asked Dib.

"If you wish..." sighed Skoodge, suddenly rather melancholy.

"No, wait!" Gaz held up a gloved hand to illustrate her statement. "We could always use more troops."

"Yes," agreed Zim. "And your ship is...impressive, 777."

"Thank you," he replied.

"So it's settled?" asked Tenn, her eyes wide.

"I suppose," answered Zim.

"After all, it's not like you three could completely destroy our work," noted Tak.

"NEVER SAY THAT!" Gaz clamped a hand over Tak's mouth while the others' expressions changed to horror.

"ARE YOU INSANE!" shrieked Skoodge. "IT'S LIKE A DEATH SENTENCE!"

Tak bit Gaz's hand and glared at the group. "Screw you."

"Alright, then, it's all settled. We have officially joined forces." 777 proceeded to shake the hands of everyone in the room, including himself and the SIRS that were mulling about.

"Er, Skoodge," whispered Dib, leading the Irken away from the group, "what's wrong with 777?"

"Oxygen. For him, it's like pot," he answered matter-of-factly.

"And what about Tenn? Can Irkens get high off of oxygen too?"

Skoodge laughed. "No, of course not. Tenn's just on Prozac. She was having some trouble after the Tallest abandoned her, so we hijacked a few shipments of the stuff."

"Oh. That explains a lot."

Dib and Skoodge rejoined the collective, which was discussing the progress of the "plan." Zim, Gaz, and Tak were getting Tenn and 777 caught up on where they were headed and the state of Earth.

"And now we're just going to check and see how many survived the blast," Gaz was saying.

"According to the Dib, quite a few of the survivors are banding together to do...something." Zim glared darkly in the direction of Earth. "It would be...amusing to take care of them as well."

"Lovely," breathed 777, still grinning like an idiot.

"We should be getting there in a few days or so." Tak looked out the window at the stars and planets lazily moving by. "This repair job set us back a ways. We had to drift quite a bit out of our way to get to you."

"I'm terribly sorry," sighed 777. "It was very kind of you to repair our ship. We-"

"Let's get some rest, kids," commanded Gaz, cutting short 777's monologue. "Tomorrow's rest period isn't going to come until we get within sight of the planet's ice caps."

"But we'll be practically on TOP of the thing once we see the ice caps!" Dib complained, reminding everyone that he was indeed a teenager. "They're smaller than presidentland, for Gods' sake!"

"Exactly."

"You lot get some sleep," murmured 777. "I'll take over piloting the ship."

"It's on auto-pilot," Zim pointed out.

"Then I'll monitor it. Bye bye..."

He wandered off in the direction of the cockpit.

"By the way," asked Gaz, "how did you set the coordinates in the Vortian ship's computer, anyway?"

"It's a relative of the Dib's computer," he replied with a shrug. "All I had to do was hack into his mainframe. It was like a family reunion, as I believe the humans said."

"Hey!" cried Dib. "You hacked my computer!"

Zim merely grinned and headed off to his cruiser.

Mimi hissed at the approaching SIR units. Her holographic ears folded back, and she bared her teeth. The SIRS kept coming.

Then Gir introduced himself to the SIRS.

"HI, COW!"

"Where is this cow you speak of?"

"Oh. HI, PIGGIE! LET'S GO TO MY ROOM!"

"My name is Bit. Nice to meet you." The SIR held out a clawed hand, which Gir promptly impaled a handful of muffins on. "Oh. Muffins. Thank you."

"I'm Gir," giggled the malfunctioning SIR unit.

"Alright, then. These are Giga, Pixel, and Amy." Bit gestured to the other SIRS, who were respectively red, black, and gray.

"Hello, Gir," they chorused.

"They've got what you call the 'hive mentality.' That means they tend to think as one entity." Bit grimaced. "They've got perfectly good minds of their own, but they still like to be the collective."

"Tacos?" Gir held out a fistful of tacos.

"Where did you--nevermind." Bit hung her head and returned to advancing on Mimi.

"We mean you no harm," Bit reassured her.

"One of us...One of usssss..." droned the other SIRS in unison.

"Don't pay attention to them. They're pricks," sighed Bit.

Mimi suddenly stopped cowering. She blinked once, and then her hologram disappeared. Then she smiled and shook Bit's hand.

"Good. Nice to see an intelligent SIR around," she stated briskly.

"Er, pardon me-" Bit glanced nervously at the small creature floating near the ceiling. "-but who is that strange floating thing?"

"It's Minimoose. Don't mind him. He's really a lot more intelligent than he appears." Mimi waved the words away with her clawed hand.

"Why don't we go irritate the computer in Tenn's ship?" suggested Bit.

"Sounds good. Come along now, all of you." Mimi gestured to the other SIRS and left the room, Bit following close behind.

"Hey, Tenn?"

"Yes?"

Dib wiped his glasses on his shirt hem. "I thought the Meekrob things captured you or something."

"Oh, that? 777 was kind enough to negotiate for my release." Tenn smiled. "He's a very good-hearted being."

"Tenn, I think you should limit the Prozac intake. You're starting to scare me."

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to alarm you. I'll try not to be so serene all the time. Would it help if I punched you in the stomach?"

Dib sighed. "No, Tenn. No, it wouldn't. You know what? Just forget it. You're fine. You don't have to be moody. Just...keep taking that Prozac."

Tenn smiled and wandered off. Dib was left to himself--or at least as "to himself" as he could be with Gaz and 777 around.

"Shouldn't we be resting now?" asked Gaz in a low, almost dangerous tone.

"Sorry. Uh, 777, why aren't you keeping watch on the navigation systems?"

"Oh, of course." 777 drifted away, humming softly to himself.

"I'll be in Tenn's ship, Dib. She wants me to help her repair the sleeping quarters." Gaz gave her brother a strange look. "Are you going to be okay with Zim?"

"Yeah, of course. I should really go monitor Earth broadcasts again. Zim's probably already started without me."

"That's not what I mean." She gave him that strange look again. "I mean, well, are you and Zim on good enough terms that..."

"Tak's going to be there, right? So why should it matter?"

"Tak's going to be in her own ship, trying to fix her stabilizers. They went out of whack while we were approaching the Vortian warship."

"Oh. Well, I'll be fine. We're on much better terms than we used to be."

"Good." Gaz looked away, off somewhere that seemed to be neither here nor there. "I'd better get going. Good night, Dib."

Gaz gave what Dib interpreted as a smile and left the room.

When Dib returned to the sleeping quarters of Zim's ship, he found the Irken comfortably nestled in a bunk, accessing Dib's computer through a remote link in his own...computer? It irritated Dib, but he got over it as soon as Zim spoke.

"I located the stink-beasts, Dib."

"Really? Where are they?" Dib hurried over to the Irken, who impatiently turned the holo-screen around so that he could see better.

"You're not going to believe this, human, but they seem to be gathering near that Skool place we used to attend."

"So we just blast them to dust and leave?"

"Not quite." Zim sighed. "Normally, I'd be all for your plan, but this is a strange situation."

(If Dib hadn't known better, he'd have thought Gaz did something to Zim to make him sound so intelligent. Really, it was probably just her endless coaching: "Don't yell, Zim." "I heard you the first time." "Quieter, please.")

"So what's going on?" Dib frowned at the text, which had been translated into Irken.

"We'll have to investigate further. Our original mission was to provide a way for Terra to start over, right?" Dib nodded, and the Irken continued. "We can't just go killing off what might be Terra's future. First we must assert that the humans gathered at the Skool are not worthy of surviving to see the new world."

"Are you sure Gaz didn't tamper with your pak when you weren't looking?" Dib snorted, eyeing Zim with an incredulous expression on his face.

"DO NOT MOCK THE ALMIGHTY ZIM!"

"Oh, good. You're back."

"Don't mistake this as a me going soft, Human," snarled Zim. "Your filthy sister is forcing me to cooperate. If she'd been born Irken, she would have been deactivated by now. Defective," he spat, like the word left a foul taste in his mouth.

"So that's what your society does with people who show emotion."

Zim stared at him, mouth agape. The human looked livid, his normally pale and drawn face suddenly full of color and tension. Zim unwillingly cringed, all-too aware of how unstable his companion could become.

"On your planet, you kill anyone who doesn't fit the 'perfect soldier' mold. Well, Zim, why are you still here? Did they miss one? Or are you just so pathetic, they take pity on you?" Dib's eyes flashed dangerously.

"ZIM IS NOT A DEFECTIVE!"

"Yes, you are. I've seen you looking at my sister. Pretend to hate her all you want, Zim, but you can't deny it. Everyone here shares a bond with each other. You can't change that, no matter how badly you want to. That bond is still there, even if the person dies..."

He let the words trail off, and there was something solid in his throat, something that kept anything else from escaping. He could feel a white-hot burning in his eyes, and he knew he was going to cry again. Dib turned away, trying to hide his shameful tears.

"Human? Why are you leaking?" Zim's voice, once so sharp and acid-laced, suddenly grew soft and almost fearful.

"I'm not. Just go back to monitoring the broadcasts."

Zim started to say something, then thought better of it. Instead, he turned the screen back toward him and resumed scanning the continuous threads of conversation running across its surface. The humans had rebuilt the Net in a very short time. It was...impressive, though he hated to admit it. Perhaps they weren't all stupid stink-beasts as he'd first thought.

Finally, the Dib stopped crying. Zim supposed he should have tried to comfort the teenager, but it seemed like such a waste of energy. Anyway, it was the Dib's sister who should be doing the comforting. She was better at the "making people smile" thing.

Which was rather odd, seeing as how she'd spent years as an antisocial, misanthropic gamer. Who would have thought that she was gathering information the entire time? When she appeared to be engrossed in her game, she was almost always really scanning the area for news reports and any inside information she could get her third eye on. Pure genius, though Zim hated to admit that even more than the thing about the humans being...smart.

"H-er, Dib."

Dib wiped his eyes one last time and turned to face him. "What?"

"I, er, I didn't mean that about your sister."

"I know. I'm just under a lot of stress right now and..."

"Don't apologize like that. It's disturbing."

Dib laughed in spite of himself. "Okay. Did you find out anything else?"

"Apparently, their leader is a teacher."

"You don't think it was..."

"I wouldn't dismiss the idea."

"Shit. That could be bad."

"When we reach Earth, we should land away from the Skool. Somewhere more desolate, somewhere we won't be noticed.

"How about the Hi Skool?"

"You're right. That is desolate."

"Think we should report to the others now?"

"No. Now is the time for rest. Tomorrow, we will tell them. Humans need sleep." Zim leaned back and stretched. "I'll continue monitoring the broadcasts."

"Don't you need to rest, too?"

"I've plugged my pak into the power lines. I'll be fine."

"Okay."

Dib crawled into a bunk and closed his eyes. The last thing he heard before sleep finally overtook him was the rhythmic clicking of the Irken's fingertips on the keyboard.

"Tak, how did you manage this?" Gaz pulled at a power cable. "It's mutilated!"

"Don't ask me, Neptunian. Before, it was just the stabilizers! Then those SIR units came in, and now the whole SHIP needs to be rewired!"

"M-miztrez," crackled both computers in unison. "My mainframe iz g-going to zhut duwn if you don't figz me zoon."

"Hold on, you two." Gaz turned to Tak. "Permission to download them into Zim's ship?"

"Go ahead, if it'll save them!" Tak's eyes glowed in panic. "They've got everything I've collected over the past sixty years stored in them!"

Gaz pulled out a small silver capsule and began looking for something on the controls.

"Girls, I'm going to have to download you into Zim's mainframe for awhile. It'll be cramped, but you'll be safe, and I'm sure you won't mind keeping his computer company."

Tak's computer giggled, and they started whispering to each other in binary code.

"I'll take that as a yes." Gaz rolled her eyes. "Now where's the info port?"

A small slide opened up, and a hair-thin needle rose out of the opening. Gaz carefully placed the capsule on top of it, letting the needle latch into the equally delicate machinery inside. It retreated into the control panel, and at once, Tak's computer let out a digital shriek loud enough to wake the dead.

"Now yooou know what it feelz like to be downloaded!" cried 2.

"Almost done."

It was at 89, and the Computers' voices were fading away. Gaz watched the status bar flicker to 100, and the capsule slid smoothly off of the needle and rolled onto the floor.

"Are they hurt?" asked Tak, who had watched the proceedings with a sense of awe. "I've never attempted something that extensive."

"They're fine. Now the default computer is loading. It'll be like a human computer, so you have to type in commands yourself. I'll go load the girls into Zim's mainframe."

Zim's computer was indeed happy to see the girls. The three of them had long since built up a good relationship, sharing data and arguing about which was better- plasma cannons or incendiary lasers? Zim's computer was very sympathetic to the girls' pain and immediately ran a diagnostic to see if they'd been infected with any bugs. When Gaz left them, they were talking like old friends.

"Hey, Zim," whispered Gaz, poking her head into the sleeping quarters.

As she'd suspected, the Irken was going over Earth broadcasts.

"What is it? I need to get back to work."

"I had to download Tak's computer into your mainframe. Hers is fried."

"WHAT!"

"I'm sorry, but it's only for awhile, and besides, your computer doesn't seem to mind. In fact, he and the girls are getting along great. Just be careful with what you're accessing, okay? You might even want to switch over to Dib's computer just to be safe. There's not a lot of room left."

"I'm already using the Dib's system. Otherwise, I would have known you committed such a..."

"Grievous offense?" offered Gaz.

"Yes, that. Now be gone with you!"

"Okay. See ya, Zim."

Gaz left, laughing quietly to herself.

"All set," reported Gaz as she slipped back into the cockpit of Tak's ship. "How're the repairs going?"

"This default computer is INFURIATING!" fumed Tak, slamming a fist down onto the control panel. "It won't react like I tell it to!"

Gaz sighed. "That's because you have to type in the commands. That, or click on things. It's not all automatic or voice-recognition. That thing was meant to be a backup, nothing more."

"Well, it's still irritating."

Tak began to type furiously, keying in commands as soon as screens popped up. In a fairly short amount of time, she had the thing run diagnostics, fix its wiring, and had discovered that there was a virus in her mainframe. More than likely it had been initiated when the ships passed through a cloud of intense magnetic force a few days back. Tak then set the computer to root out and destroy the bug, rubbing at her temples as the machine hummed.

"Gods, I am going to be glad when this is over," she sighed.

"From the looks of it, this mission is going to last awhile." Gaz looked away. "Years, more than likely."

Suddenly, Tak pushed back her chair and stretched. She looked Gaz straight in the eyes for a long time, as if she was trying to see something in them. Some hidden thing.

"Your species...They don't live long on their own, do they?" she asked, her eyes cunning.

"At birth, our young are injected with several solutions. Most of them protect against illness and promote the growth of intelligence. One of them, though, is for elongated life. Our society is built upon utilizing every advantage for the benefit of our species."

"Are any of the young denied injections? Defectives and the like?" There was a keen interest in Tak's eyes that made Gaz feel slightly uncomfortable.

"Of course not. Not unless the parents refuse to allow it. And even then, it's very rare that they don't get the longetivity injection." Gaz's eyes narrowed. "And 'defectives,' as you so blatantly call them, are given additional solutions."

"You never kill them? Fascinating."

"Why do you want to know this, anyway? I thought Irken databases had ample information on my kind."

"They don't know everything. And mostly I'm just curious."

They didn't speak for a long time. Tak didn't bother to go back to the monitors, seeing as how the problem was taking care of itself anyway. Gaz tried to make herself look busy, but she failed miserably. After what seemed like an eternity, Tak spoke again.

"Did you give your brother the injection?"

"Of course not!" Gaz's eyes flashed red. "That would be inhumane! He was already enough of a freak. I didn't need to add to his suffering by lengthening his life!"

"Really." Tak smirked. "Sounds backwards to me."

Gaz started to say something, but Tak cut her off.

"Don't Neptunians need rest as well? You should go to the sleeping quarters. I'll wake you if anything happens."

Gaz reluctantly left the room. She could hear Tak laughing until she finally drifted off to sleep.

The next day, Gaz was awakened by a very painful kick to the side.

"GET UP!" screeched a voice in her ear. "TIME FOR MEETINGS!"

Instinctively, Gaz lashed out , catching her attacker in the chest and sending it flying. She cursed and sat up, rubbing at her sore knuckles. They had hit metal. And when she finally thought to look at who had so rudely awakened her, she was greeted by a small SIR unit.

"Oh. Hi, Gir. Sorry about that. Next time, don't head-butt me, okay?"

Gir nodded stupidly and hobbled out of the room.

Gaz sighed and ran a hand through her hair. It was tangled, but not unruly. She pronounced herself fit to be seen and headed off to the Vortian conference room.

"Good, you're up," called a friendly voice from the other side of a long table.

The voice belonged to Skoodge, who was standing at the head of what Gaz had first taken to be a dinner table. Its smooth metal surface was pockmarked with screens and buttons. Apparently, the thing served as a briefing tool.

"Where's everyone else?" asked Gaz, nervously taking a seat near the Irken.

"No one but you and the human went to sleep. 777 is briefing him on the situation already. Everyone else has already received orders." Skoodge looked positively ecstatic, completely in his soldier element.

"Who's running things now?" Gaz growled hotly. "And why was I not informed along with the others of our situation?"

"Sorry about that." Skoodge's demeanor dampened somewhat, but he doggedly continued on. "To answer your first question, 777 seems to have taken charge, organizing things and whatnot. And he insisted that you and the human be briefed separately."

"Why?" Gaz's eyes narrowed. "And his name is Dib."

"You and the h--You and Dib are to be given special orders, seeing as how you two know the planet best. The two of you are in charge of gathering inside information after we land. You have to infiltrate the enemy's base and learn as much about them as you can. Based on your information alone, we decide to either destroy the humans or aid them. The others are simply for security and decoding enemy transmissions."

"Stop calling the humans 'the enemy.' It's demeaning to the race."

"Pardon me. It's the soldier brain, you know." Skoodge gave an apologetic grin. "Now, 777 is in the process of rewiring one of the other inactive SIR units Tenn picked up. He designed most of the models, so he shouldn't have a hard time of it. Anyway, it will accompany you and Dib on your mission, serving as a databank and security."

"Why can't we just take Gir? Or Minimoose?"

"They aren't fit to the specific criteria. Your SIR unit will more than likely not have a personality of its own. It will be easily disguised as a pet of some kind so as to pass unnoticed, but we cannot let it have free will. Gir or Minimoose, should they accompany you, could bring disaster upon our entire objective."

"Stop talking like a soldier for once, will you?"

Skoodge gave an irritated sigh and tapped a button on the table in front of him. The screen by Gaz flickered into life, displaying a fairly impressive map of the galaxy. There were two red Irken symbols on it, one for the location of the Vortian ship, the other for the location of Terra.

"We're getting close to Terra. I had 777 step up the ship's engines to three-quarters maximum power. We'll be there sometime in the next thirty hours."

"Great." Gaz surveyed the screen boredly. "So he's getting some sense back, then?"

"No, it's not that." Skoodge smiled. "His soldier senses are kicking in. I figured he'd regain his reason a long time ago, but the oxygen levels in here must be higher than I thought."

"Humans only need half of the oxygen they used to for survival," Gaz pointed out.

"But the mind is better nurtured when the air quality is exemplary."

"I really need to make you listen to some of my brother's angst-ridden music, you know that? You're way too happy for my taste."

"Whatever. Now as soon as we land, you don't know us. You and Dib are survivors of the blast only because you happened to be wearing radiation suits when the bombs were detonated. You were dealing with highly unstable materials, or something. Anyway, whatever the case, it was sheer luck that saved you, just like it was for the others. I trust your information retrieval device is still fully functional?"

"Yes, of course. Zim had to repair it for me, though, awhile ago. His damn robot cracked it in half again."

"And I trust your brother doesn't know it's anything other than a game system?"

"GameSlave. And no, he doesn't suspect a thing."

"Good." Skoodge stood up. "As soon as 777 finishes them, I'll have your SIR unit's code sent to your...GameSlave so you know where to send information. I was told that your third eye can transmit directly to our database."

"It's one of the few perks about being a Neptunian."

"Got it. That will be all. Good day, soldier."

He saluted, then left the room.

"Military bastard," muttered Gaz under her breath.

Still, at least they had a plan. That was more than Gaz had been able to come up with since she and three unlikely allies had destroyed the human race. For all her take-charge leadership, she couldn't help feeling a small sense of relief. Now that 777 was taking care of things, she didn't have to worry about anything other than the duties assigned to her.

Then again, the duties assigned by a perpetually stoned alien aren't always relevant. Or coherent.

Needless to say, this caused her a bit of worry.

She needn't have bothered, though. Tenn had already filtered out the requests for a greenhouse full of purple sunflowers, strobe lights, and mandatory uniforms made entirely of hemp. The Irken's primary role seemed to be translator, decoding 777's orders and weeding out what was to be attributed to his...condition.

At the moment, Tenn perched on a tall stack of boxes in the storage room, listening intently while her leader babbled on and on. He made dramatic gestures while he spoke, frequently losing his balance and needing assistance getting back into his chair. Eventually, though, he calmed down and started making sense.

"Now, Tenn, has the Irken briefed that Neptunian girl on the situation yet?" he inquired, the serene cloud of near-inebriation moving away from his eyes for a moment.

"Of course. Skoodge just left the room a few minutes ago."

"Good, good. That means she agreed to the assignment. Her adoptive brother seems to have taken his briefing well, seeing as how he was in the middle of putting together a cover story when I left him. Are the SIR units fully charged now?"

Tenn checked a screen floating near her head. "Yes, it looks like their cerebral functions are all in order. Should we go pick them up?"

"That won't be necessary." 777 touched a small green square at the top of the screen, and two red-and-black SIR units hurtled into the room. "Report for duty, SIRS."

"SIR reporting for duty," they chimed in unison.

"Amazing," breathed Tenn. "They look...really good."

"I updated them with some things I've been working on." 777 smiled, obviously flattered. "It was nothing after designing the Massive."

"We should deliver them to Gaz and Dib." Tenn stood. "Are you coming?"

"No, no, I think I'll just stay here for awhile..."

And with that, 777 curled up in his cardboard box chair and went to sleep.

"Amazing," murmured Tenn, with none of her previous awe. "Come on, you two, let's get a move on."

"Gaz? Dib? Meet me in the conferencing room."

This was three hours later, two and three-quarters longer than Tenn had thought it would take to get the SIRS to their new owners. Unfortunately, 777 had woken up just as she was about to leave, and Tenn was again forced to listen to him prattle on and on about "the war" and how he was once a "very high-ranking officer" among his species.

Tenn was, quite understandably, rather exasperated when she finally met up with the pair in the conferencing room.

"These are your SIR units. They will serve you with the utmost loyalty. All you need to do is bond with them."

"Oh, great," muttered Dib. "You mean like we have to get to know them or something?"

"No, idiot." Gaz walked up to one of the SIRs and pricked her finger on a safety pin. She pressed the wound to the SIR's hand. "My name is Gaz. Report to your mistress."

The SIR's eyes glowed brightly, and it bowed. "Reporting for duty, mistress."

"Usually, you wouldn't have to do this," Tenn sighed, gesturing to Gaz. "Unfortunately, since the first being they reported to was 777, we have to provide a stronger bond for them. Your SIR unit needs a sample of your DNA, best gotten from your blood. It'll be permanently locked onto your unique data, so to speak."

"O...kay." Dib cautiously approached his SIR unit, noticing that though the thing looked like Gaz's, it had a silver version of an Irken Pak hooked into its back. "Can I just have it take a reading of my fingerprint, or something?"

"No, stupid, then it would try to obey everything you touch."

"Oh. Right." Dib took the safety pin from his sister, wiped it off on his shirt, and pricked his finger. The tiny puncture brought back some painful memories, and he quickly pressed it to his SIR's hand and handed the safely pin back to Gaz. "My name is Dib. Report to your master."

"SIR reporting for duty." Suddenly, the Pak sprouted metal rods, and Dib's SIR unit rose several inches off of the floor, suspended by things that looked exactly like Zim's spider-legs.

"Is it supposed to do that?" asked Dib, his voice rising in pitch--much to his embarrassment.

"777 outfitted the SIRS with some pretty out-there equipment. Yours is fashioned after Irkens, and Gaz's is...uh...well, I'm not sure what species 777 chose to mimic with that one. He seems to enjoy mutating things; the other SIRS he's reactivated are all freaks of nature."

"They'd probably like meeting my security," laughed Gaz, remembering the "dolls" she had in the storage room.

The ship gave a sudden lurch, and all five creatures in the room were thrown off-balance.

"I've got to get going," muttered Tenn. "He's got the engines at full power now. I need to make sure he didn't accidentally overload them, or we could be towing this thing into Terra's atmosphere."

Still muttering under her breath, Tenn dodged out of the room.

"Has anyone noticed how annoying these sudden exits are?" mused Dib aloud, and his sister nodded.

"So." Gaz gave her SIR the once-over. "777 did a good job on you."

"Who is 777?" asked the robot, its bro furrowing.

"That gray alien with the horns," she explained. "He reactivated you and your...uh...fellow SIR unit."

"Fascinating." The SIR unit paused for a moment, absorbing the new information. "And who is the big-headed boy?"

"My head is NOT big!" huffed Dib, and his SIR unit nodded.

"His name is Dib. He's my brother...sort of." Gaz hesitated. "I'll explain that later."

Dib's SIR unit nodded again, and both units absorbed the collective information they'd heard so far.

"Should we go now?" asked Dib, feeling uncomfortable.

"I-"

Gaz never got to finish her answer, as a loud blast of static from a hidden loudspeaker cut her off.

"Report to the bridge," came Tenn's strained voice. "Everyone. Now."

After a quick glance toward each other, Gaz and Dib hurried out of the room. Apparently they'd forgotten how annoying sudden exits could be. Their SIRS, of course, hadn't understood what the pair were talking about, so their only thoughts while they followed behind were along the lines of "Oh, look, Master doesn't have those nice long spider-legs like me" and "Mistress sure can run fast."

"This is...irritating," hissed Tenn through clenched teeth. "777 stepped up the engines to full power, alright. AND he disabled the cloaking device. Which means if we can't slow down, we're going to crash into the planet at full speed and NOT look like an asteroid."

"Hey, Zim, that reminds me of the thing with the dogfighting planets," commented Dib to the scowling Irken beside him.

"Dib, shut up," snarled Tenn in a rare show of exasperation. "Now, Tak and Skoodge are currently trying to slow us down, but just to give you an idea of how fast we're moving..."

The huge "front window"--for lack of better term--on the bridge went clear, displaying a picturesque view of Terra...and nothing else. The ship loomed over the planet, and its miniscule polar ice caps glittered ashy white.

"We're doomed," sighed Zim and Gaz at the same time.

"FIRE REVERSE THRUSTERS!" came a bloodcurdling scream from what was later interpreted to be Tak.

The ship lurched again, and fire filled most of the window.

"Good. Those should reduce our speed...once Skoodge gets the engines powered down." Tenn rubbed at her temples. "And that would be the engines cutting out," she added as the ship jerked backward. "Hopefully they didn't stall too badly."

"Isn't it as little dangerous to be firing the thrusters when we're entering Terra's atmosphere?" queried Dib, his voice wavering a little.

"Not unless there's a leak, in which case, WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!" screamed Tenn, sinking to the floor and then abruptly standing up. "We'll be fine, human," she added with a smile.

"I feel so much better now," he muttered.

The new SIR units remained silent throughout the entire ordeal of landing. They kept their six senses open, letting the information be stored in its raw form for later decoding. Their masters didn't seem to be in any immediate danger, so there was no need to interact.

Finally, the ship came to a relatively smooth landing near the site of the old Hi Skool. Dib and Gaz disembarked with their SIRs, and they were soon followed by the rest of the team.

"Alright, then, children, let's get to work," ordered 777, a cunning look in his eyes. "We should set up base inside the remaining part of the structure. It's too dangerous to stay in the ship. It might be attacked while it's uncloaked. I'll handle getting the thing back online."

The others stared blankly at him for a moment, then did as they were told.

"Tenn, you and Tak get Dib and Zim's lab capsules out, will you? They should be very valuable in setting up camp."

"Yes, sir," they chorused, hurrying off.

"Skoodge, Zim, go find a suitable place to locate our base of operations."

"Got it."

"And you two be careful. You are the most valuable assets to this operation." 777 abruptly pulled them into a spine-crushing hug. "Good luck."

"L-let-us-go!" croaked Gaz.

Their SIR units fired a warning shot at 777's foot, and he reluctantly released their owners. He smiled and shook his head.

"They seem to be in perfect working order," he commented. "Alright, now remember the SIR laws. Don't break rule number 13, whatever you do."

"Got it," chimed Dib and Gaz, though they were both thinking Rule number WHAT, now?

And they set off, a human and a Neptunian in a wasteland. Gaz turned on her hologram, and the SIRs soon figured out how to disguise themselves as (much more convincing that Gir) dogs. What awaited them only time would tell.

Author's note: Okay, guys, this is only the first chapter of the "checking up on humans" story arc. I planned to do it all in one swing, but somehow the story got away from me and demanded to have more than one chapter devoted to it. . Oh well. Anyway, a note on characters: any OOCness that might occur is, as always, a (mostly) natural progression of the characters' personalities. After all, they're older, wiser, and hopefully more mature now.

I plan to make the next chapter a little darker than this one--with a lot of humor, though. Example: "You can't kill off hippies, man."

my only complaint about my work is that I always forget about those adorable SIR units. BAD ME! BAD! Anyway, I'll try harder with that next time.

Coming up next chapter: what will Dib and Gaz find on their way to the humans' base? What IS rule number 13? Why is 777 acting so strangely? When will the madness end! Stay tuned for next update's episode of "Dude, where's my planet?"

-raven, your friendly neptunian maniac


	4. Rule Number Thirteen

"These things need names."

Dib and Gaz trekked along a deserted street, their SIRS trailing behind. Gaz stopped at the sound of her brother's voice, which had so rudely shattered the eerie silence of the landscape. She scowled at him, but wasn't annoyed enough not to answer.

"I'm not sure it would be a good idea."

"Sure it would." Dib squinted at his robot, currently disguised as a black lab. "I mean, we can't just go around saying Hey, you! Do this!' forever."

"I suppose you're right..." admitted Gaz. "Though I still feel like something about that is wrong..."

"Just give it a name already."

Gaz sighed and stared at her SIR. "Fine. From now on, your name is DIV. DIV is an Indian name meaning evil,'" she added to her brother.

DIV grinned, and her normally dull eyes glowed red beneath her disguise. Suddenly, she shifted from a golden retriever to a German shepherd.

"Are we going to kill the humans?" DIV queried, her voice low and raspy.

"Er, maybe." Gaz's grin faltered slightly. "Okay, Dib, your turn."

"Um." Dib stared at his SIR unit, which was giving him a glassy, expressionless look. It seemed as though the thing's battery was missing a few volts.

"Take your time," muttered Gaz. Her moodiness had apparently returned the moment the two left the ship.

"Sorry. Any ideas?"

"Stupid?"

"Er, no." Dib stared long and hard at his SIR unit. "I'm kind of partial to Rei."

"Fine. It's a good name." Gaz sighed. "Now that we've gotten _that _over with-"

Rei suddenly shifted to a greyhound. Dib grinned; he'd always liked that breed. Rei saluted as best he could, and his eyes glowed red.

"Let's go get those filthy humans," it hissed.

"Ooh, Rei, do you want to help me kill them?" whispered DIV.

"Not unless Master wishes for them to die. Protocol must be followed, no matter what our personal feelings might tell us."

"Will you two shut UP?" Gaz hit them both on the back of the head. "Now let's keep walking. It's almost light out."

The group made slow progress. Mostly, it was Dib who slowed them down. His humanoid legs provided less than half a meter's stride, and the others continuously found themselves stopping to wait for him to catch up. It was all rather irritating.

And as sunrise bathed the land in a bloody red glow, Gaz abruptly turned off the road and headed for a partially-collapsed building. The others followed her, some more easily than the rest.

"We have to stop here for the day," announced the Neptunian, her mental shields flickering. "The sun's going to fry us if we keep going."

"Gaz, Dib," crackled a voice over Rei's intercom, "are you secure?"

"Of course, 777," Gaz assured him, sinking down behind a boulder. "You have our position, I'm assuming?"

"Of course." There was a tapping sound, and a holo-screen projected out of Rei's head. "You are ten miles away from the skool. Tonight, continue north by northwest. You veered off-course a bit because of the debris. Zim is monitoring the humans; I'll turn you over to him."

"Who said they could use MY head for a computer?" growled Rei irritably, twisting around in a vain attempt to see the screen.

"SILENCE!" ordered Zim, whose head had just appeared on the holo-screen. "Gaz, the humans are organizing. Apparently, a humanoid creature is leading them on some kind of quest. The details are fuzzy at best, though. Humans have disgustingly non-literal text."

"Zim, we can rant about humans later," sighed Gaz. "Just tell me whether or not we have to get to their base before tomorrow."

"Based on the communications," interrupted Tak, replacing Zim on the screen, "time is of the essence. I suggest utilizing your SIR units for your benefit."

"And that means what, exactly?" queried Dib, eager to get in on the conversation.

Tak rolled her eyes. "Dib, your SIR unit has spider-legs. Use them to move fast. Gaz, you know what to do already. Make sure the human doesn't get himself killed, will you?"

"Of course," breezed Gaz as her brother made rude gestures at the screen. "We'll be fine. Oh, and Tak?"

"Yes?"

"Is 777 okay? He's, er, normal now. Did he get hit on the head with a heavy, blunt object or something?"

"Oh, no. The oxygen on this planet is so scarce, it doesn't have any effect on him. He had one hell of a hangover right after you left, though." Tak hid her smile with a gloved hand. "Take care."

Gaz saluted, and the screen flickered off.

"Dib, you'd better rest up," ordered the Neptunian, tugging at her hair. "We're not going to be sleeping for awhile after this. I'll keep watch."

"But don't you-"

"I'll be fine. You look exhausted. Sleep."

Dib obeyed. When he laid down against the crumbling wall of their shelter, he felt his eyelids close like twin guillotines. Before that thought finished crossing his mind, he was unconscious.

"Do you think they'll be able to get in?"

"Maybe. More than likely, they'll have to fight their way in."

"Then why did you send them?"

"Because they can handle it."

Tak and 777 exchanged a few more words and broke apart from their heated argument. The former went back to monitoring the skies, the latter to fixing up a SIR unit. Tenn met his clouded gaze and decided not to ask what he was thinking. She concentrated instead on rewiring a portion of the Vortian warship's weapons system. If things went as 777 expected, they could be needing those weapons very shortly.

"Tenn, I thought I told you not to name your SIRS," 777 began impatiently, his eyes flickering over the group of robots clustered in the doorway. "They've started developing free will."

"It's not so much free will as it is a hive mentality," Tenn murmured, careful not to set her leader off on a rant. Since his little hangover, he'd been a much more argumentative creature. "Only Bit has anything resembling free will."

"They won't be as eager to serve now," muttered 777, his spidery fingers twisting wires into their receptacles. "If I were to attack you now, they might not want to shoot at me. They're beginning to understand the consequences of taking life."

"Why should that be a problem? You'd never attack me." Tenn's voice rose a notch in volume despite her best efforts.

"But say I did. You might be dead before your SIRS decided to go after me. THAT'S why it's a problem, Tenn."

"So what do you want to do? Rewire them? Wipe their memories so they can be reprogrammed into the perfect little servants?" The words had more bite than she would have liked.

"You wouldn't let me even if I tried." 777's voice softened. "And I suppose they're like family now. I noticed how you outfitted them all with paks."

"I couldn't resist," admitted the Irken. "And I named them after my friends back home. Of course, they're all dead now."

"I thought so." He smiled. "You gave me the idea to fit the human's SIR with spider-legs. And who knows? Maybe the SIRS will make better servants if they can judge situations for themselves."

"Dib, don't touch the antenna. It's very sensitive."

The dying sun bathed the area in a warm glow. Gaz utilized the remaining daylight to train her brother in the art of riding SIR units. It wasn't working too well.

"For the sake of the GODDESS," snapped Gaz impatiently. "Dib, it's not too hard. Look, Rei's even holding level for you. It's like riding a bike."

"Yeah, a bike with a HEAD," complained Dib, fidgeting and falling off again.

"Rei, restrain him." Gaz put a hand to her forehead and heaved a sigh.

What resembled a straightjacket flew out of Rei's back, quickly twining around Dib's body. Rei reeled him back in, tightly securing him for the ride. Neither he nor the others took heed to Dib's screams of protest. Desperate times called for desperate measures, after all.

Gaz quickly slipped onto the back of her SIR, and they were off. Dib stopped screaming and started muttering under his breath when it became apparent that no one was listening. Gaz, easily astride DIV, grinned into her hand.

DIV's own legs resembled tentacles more than spider-legs. They bore Gaz a good foot higher off the ground than her brother, and either they were a faster method of transportation, or Dib was just really heavy. Dib didn't take kindly to this second idea.

"We should be there in about fifteen minutes," announced Gaz awhile later. "You two can slow down a little. We don't want to alert anyone to our presence."

"Of course," chimed both SIRs, and they reduced their speed significantly.

"Now, Dib, we're approaching the skool from the south. The computer showed that their only blind spot is a tower by-"

"Couldn't we just walk right in as refugees?" Dib pointed out. "After all, as far as anyone knows, we're just two kids lucky enough to have escaped the blast with our pets."

"You have a point," Gaz admitted, albeit grudgingly.

"I see the skool," strained Dib, twisting his head around in ways it wasn't meant to go. "Can you release me now?"

"Rei, you can let him go. DIV, hologram on." Gaz dropped lightly to the ground, Dib rolling after her. "Rei, you too."

Two teenagers approached the skool, follwed by two battered-looking dogs. The sentry took one look at them and shouted for the guards to let them pass. It was the Membrane kids, after all. Wonder when they'd gotten dogs?

"That was easy," muttered Dib to his sister.

"Shut up, Dib." Gaz staggered and sank to her knees. "_Water."_

DIV moved to obey, but a human got to her first, handing her a warped plastic container full of liquid. Gaz drank deeply, gasping for air. Dib stared stupidly at her for a long time before it occurred to him that he should be doing the same.

He opted for a slightly less dramatic approach. He launched into a coughing fit, leaning on Rei for support. The helpful water-human handed him a flask, and he too drank deeply. When both teenagers had gotten their fill, they were led into the shade.

"You are Dib and Gaz Membrane, correct?" asked a commanding-looking man in a dusty white lab coat.

"Well, actually-" started Dib.

"Yes, we are," interrupted Gaz. "Thank you for giving us shelter. We've been traveling for a long time. Our previous community was wiped out by famine. We were lucky enough to get out alive."

"It's no problem, Gaz. We have a great abundance of food here. Our leader has provided much for us, and we're always open to the homeless." The man smiled warmly. "Are you well, apart from your hunger and thirst?"

"Pretty much so," breezed Gaz with a smile of her own. "Yourself?"

"I'm doing well, thank you." He turned to Dib. "How about you, Dib?"

"Uh, I'm okay, I guess." How eloquent. Dib mentally kicked himself in the head. "How'd you guys get here?"

"I'm not sure how most of the people got here, but I was with a group of scientists working deep underground in a sealed lab. We came up as soon as we detected the blast, but by the time we got to the surface, almost everything was gone. Our equipment went offline shortly after that." The man rubbed at his graying scalp. "I was the only one who made it here. A wild animal took the others that night."

"How tragic," murmured Gaz, trying not to smile.

"I haven't heard from your father. I assume he perished along with the others?" The scientist lowered his voice, tried to make it gentle, but the blow hit hard.

Dib gripped the glasses in his pocket. "Yes, sir. He'd gone upstairs for awhile. The three of us were in his labs. Then his equipment went haywire, and..."

Dib forced a lump of fake emotion down his throat. He turned away and let the real emotion leak through his eyelids. Gaz could take care of the rest. She was good at lying.

"The professor was gone by the time we got upstairs. Our dogs were going crazy, like they'd seen something terrifying. Of course, they're not going to talk." Gaz lowered her gaze. "We had to leave."

"I'm sorry, kids," sighed the scientist. "It seems like we all lost family, or at least loved ones. But we have to make the best of what we have left. Otherwise, what's the point in being a survivor?"

"True." Gaz pulled out her GS6. "I'd like to be left alone now. This conversation is making me distraught."

"Oh. Of...course." The scientist backed away. "If you need anything, I'm right inside the front doors."

Gaz didn't answer, and Dib was too preoccupied with trying not to cry to notice. The scientist left them in their corner, presumably to go do something important.

"Did you get that, DIV?" asked Gaz, still pounding away at her GS6.

"Of course, Mistress," the SIR unit replied, nodding her furry head slightly.

"I picked up additional information," Rei informed the teenagers quietly.

"Can't we just kill them already?" asked DIV impatiently.

"Not yet. Soon, DIV, I promise." Gaz kept her eyes locked onto the screen, but her words carried enough meaning nonetheless.

Dawn came uneasily. The newcomers were welcomed with hesitation. This long after the Event, it was rare to see even one survivor wandering, much less two children and their pets. Suspicions flared, and rumor gave way to fear.

"Excuse me, but do you know where we can find food-" Gaz's smile faltered as she watched the subject of her query hurry away.

"Don't bother," sighed her brother, cleaning off his glasses on the hem of his shirt. "We should just find out where their leader is and have a little conference."

"I don't know if we should press on so soon," murmured Rei. "From what I can tell, human children aren't encouraged to become politically active."

"That's good," breezed Gaz. "I'm a Neptunian. Let's go."

Despite Rei's whispered protests, the group started off to seek out the community's mysterious leader. Dib had better luck in getting people to talk to him, but by nightfall, the group was no closer to their goal.

"I'm bored," whined DIV. "I wanna kill the humans!"

"Shut UP, DIV!" hissed Gaz, clamping a hand over the SIR's mouth. "Dogs don't talk!"

"Humans are idiots," snarled DIV, speaking through closed jaws. "They wouldn't believe it if I walked around without my hologram. One word would convince them I'm a new breed of Doberman."

"They're not quite that stupid, DIV," murmured Rei, looking about furtively. "One of them looked at you strangely and ran away."

"That doesn't mean anything." DIV glared in Rei's direction. "Honestly, Rei, you've gotten so cowardly since we touched down. What's wrong with you?"

"I'm providing a contrast to your demeanor," he replied mechanically. "In effect, I'm acting as a conscience for our owners. You know, so they get to hear both sides of the story."

"Well it's stupid," snorted DIV. "I want to kill them now."

"Stop bickering, you two," sighed Gaz. "And no, DIV, we can't kill them until we find fault with them."

"They all deserve to die," hissed DIV in Dib's ear. "They betrayed you from the start, the humans did. They all deserve to die. After all, isn't that what you wanted?"

"No, I wanted humanity to start over," Dib asserted. "Any human left over after the initial detonation is a worthy being."

"So why are we here?"

"To determine if we screwed up and missed some of the assholes."

"But that doesn't fit in with your plan."

"Shut up. I already have ENOUGH voices in my head."

DIV frowned, but she obeyed nonetheless. Dib could see her discontent, but he pretended not to notice. Gaz just sighed, and Rei was too preoccupied with information retrieval to pay attention to the drama flaring up around him.

"Okay, so we have no idea where to find this 'leader' person," Dib sighed. "Now what?"

"I think we should find a secluded area to report our progress," announced Gaz, tucking her GS6 into her pocket. The root cellars sound pretty deserted."

Gaz led the way into the dark, damp area called the root cellars. It was a storage room or sorts where the community kept a large majority of their food supply. For some reason there were no guards to get past, but then again, the deep blackness of the cellars would have deterred most would-be thieves. Dib felt immediately at home.

"Gaz? Dib? Why's it so dark?" A holoscreen popped out of Rei's head, displaying a translucent image of 777's head. "Hello?"

"Sorry, 777." Dib turned on a flashlight. "We had to go into the root cellars. Can't risk someone finding out about our mission."

"No luck finding the leader of this community," reported Gaz, ever the efficient one. "It's like they don't exist. Can you give us a fix on a likely location?"

Tenn's face replaced 777's. "Our readouts say that the Leader is positioned somewhere in what's left of the Skool. There's a classroom that appears to be completely undamaged. Tomorrow, I suggest you check it out."

"Thanks, Tenn." Gaz pulled out her GS6. "After we rest awhile, we'll head out."

"Um, guys, you better watch out," murmured Skoodge's image, suddenly butting out Tenn on the screen. "Scanner says there's a group of humans approaching fast."

"Nice robot."

"Bye!" The hologram disappeared, and Rei struggled to regain his disguise.

"I don't know what you're talking about, human," laughed Gaz, not bothering to turn around. "This is a perfectly normal dog."

"Yeah. A dog whose head opens up," piped up a younger-sounding voice, a female.

"Shit," hissed Gaz and Dib simultaneously, and they turned around.

A tall, scarily emaciated male held a large torch in one skeletal hand. Standing next to him was an equally tall, not-so-emaciated woman with purple hair, a teenaged girl, and several frightening hi-skoolers. The man grinned at Gaz and Dib.

"So. You're going to kill us all, then?" he asked. "Are you sure about that?"

"Father, be nice," murmured the teenager. "I assume you are the ones responsible for the explosion, then?"

"Er..." Dib looked at Gaz, panicking.

"You little _pricks_," growled the one called Nny.

"Don't listen to him, kids," sighed the purple-haired woman. "He's just annoyed because there's not too many assholes for him to mutilate nowadays."

"How did you-" began Gaz, but one of the hi-skoolers cut her off.

"We were gouging out the eyes of some cheerleaders in Nny's basement when the bombs went off," breathed a tiny Japanese girl from behind a boy with horns. "It was _lovely._ Except for the fact that the place was deserted by the time we left the basement. No one writhing around on the ground screaming. Why didn't you just blow them up like any normal psychotic killer?"

"Um..." Dib gave another panicked glance toward Gaz.

"Look, kids, we should get going," announced another young man, stepping into the circle of light from the torch. "Best of luck to you destroying the rest of the assholes. We'll be somewhere in this network of tunnels if you need us. Come on, guys."

And one by one, they disappeared into the darkness. Nny was the last to go, his terrifying grin the last thing they saw before he blew out the torch.

"That was weird," commented Dib."

"I liked that Nny person," laughed Gaz. "I wonder if his daughter is as delightfully twisted as he is...She'd make a good ally."

"You scare me," muttered Dib. "Let's get some sleep."

Nightmares. Dib writhed and twisted in his sleep, trying in vain to escape the awful truths that haunted him. Flashes of his father's face, the disbelief written in his eyes as he collapsed, the hollow sound of his breath escaping his lungs. The brilliant light of thousands of explosives spreading their destructive poison into the atmosphere. Billions of people going about their lives, unaware that it would all end in milliseconds. The moment when he himself decided to destroy the very thing he had once vowed to save. A glittering knife doused in translucent scarlet. Dib's wrists burned, and he woke up screaming.

"You're sure you're okay?"

"I'm fine."

Dib wrapped his wrists tightly in bandages. The scars still burned, though the pain was ebbing away. He tried not to look until the stark white lines were out of sight, but he couldn't help catching a glimpse of the shallow red cuts that crisscrossed them. Bits of skin still clung to the underside of his nails, but he couldn't bring himself to clean them out yet. It made him ill just to look at them.

Gaz let him wear her gloves. She didn't say anything else, but he knew she was wondering if he would relapse.

"We should go," was the only thing Rei had to offer.

DIV didn't care enough to make any kind of comment.

The group made their slow way back up the rickety stairs of the root cellars to civilization. DIV led the way, lighting their footsteps with her eyes. They blinked in the sudden light of midday after clearing the final step, and a few people milling about gave them strange looks. Nevertheless, Dib had never been happier to see the sun.

"The Skool, then?" he asked, stretching.

Gaz nodded.

All at once, a group of people dressed in faded rags and sporting immpossibly long hair walked up. Their leader, a young man wielding a guitar, grinned sluggishly at them.

"Hey, man, groovy gloves," he laughed by way of greeting. "You lookin for the great spirit, too?"

"Um...no." Dib took a small breath and was overwhelmed by the sickly smell of pot. "Do I know you?"

"Nobody knows me, man," he declared proudly. "Only I know me. Well, my soul mate Cherry Blossom knows me, too," he laughed, hugging the spaced-out woman next to him.

"That's wonderful," muttered Gaz uncomfortably. "So. Do you four have an 'I survived the blast' story?"

"You can't kill flower children, man," giggled the other girl, shorter but with no less hair. "We live on like Mother Nature!"

"Okay. Let's go." Gaz hurried away. "Bye, flower children."

"What the hell is up with these weirdoes wanting to talk to us?" hissed Dib, falling into step beside his sister.

"I don't know oh, crap, here comes another one."

A rather stout man with wild dreads approached with a guitar and a full band. (The drummer carried his drum kit on his back, amazingly.)

"Hi. I'm Adam," he announced, sticking out his hand. "Nice to meet you. Care for a song? My band is getting out of practice."

"DIE!" screamed DIV, diving for Adam with a knife.

She stabbed him repeatedly, but he just looked strangely at her while the wounds healed. No matter what she did, he just kept healing up. It was starting to scare her.

"Why won't you DIE!" she snarled, attempting to hack off his head.

Gaz gently pulled DIV back.

"You can't kill Counting Crows, man," she adamanted, shaking her head in terror. "They're like cockroaches."

"RUN AWAY!" screamed Rei, and they bolted.

Before long, our heroes reached the Skool. No creepy musicians assaulted them, and the flow of needless comic relief seemed at an end. Gaz and the others ducked into the depressing brick building with no further incident, and they found themselves in a virtual wasteland.

Debris covered the ground, and almost everything had been leveled. A single classroom stood in the very center of this military-prison-like compound, and a glowing red plaque on the door read "Miss Bitters."

"Shit," breathed Gaz. "That woman _wasn't _human."

"You didn't know that before?"

Gaz jumped. A skinny red-haired man appeared next to her, followed by a heavily tattooed, dark-haired man. The former gave a small grin and slurped a cherry brainfreezie.

"You okay, Gaz?" he asked, offering no explanation as to where the knowledge of her name came from.

"I'm fine. You just spooked me, that's all. Please stop sneaking up behind people; it makes them irritable."

"Who the hell are these guys?" demanded Dib and Rei simultaneously.

"Our inside agents," explained Gaz. "Do you two know how to get into that classroom?"

The dark-haired one shrugged. "We've been trying for a couple weeks. Lock-picking, rams, explosives, crowbars, small children, we've tried everything. We even slipped a note under the door threatening to launch kamikaze watermelons."

"That was a last resort," assured the other. "Do you have any better ideas?"

"Did you try just opening the door?" snorted Dib.

"Do you _think_ so?" Red-head rolled his eyes. "We're going to need some alien technology to get that thing open."

"Rei, open that door," commanded Gaz.

"Got it," he chirped, sprinting to the door.

"So." Dib glanced at Rei. "While he's busy opening doors, could someone please tell me who these guys are?"

"Um..." The dark-haired man glanced at his companion. "Did we ever come up with names?"

"Scolex," he replied, raising his hand in a strange salute. "Cartoonist, insomniac, and all-around hyperactive little monkey. I specialize in convenient plot twists."

"Taxidermied," offered the other, grinning. "Cartoonist, insomniac, and all-around tattooed and pierced freak of nature. I specialize in weird characters. And close-up magic tricks."

"They're both trained in various forms of combat, some self-taught," added Gaz, a bit disdainfully. "And you wouldn't want to cross Taxidermied in World of Warcraft."

"Got it!" cried Rei, and a loud click signified his success.

"Very good," rasped a chilling voice from inside. "You are indeed worthy adversaries. Come in, come in."

Cautiously, the group followed Rei inside. The door clicked shut and locked automatically behind them.

Author's note: What awaits our heroes behind the door? just what IS Miss Bitters? why am i still bothering to keep writing these things? All this and more on the next episode of

"**INTERGALACTIC SPACE WARRIOR MONKEYS!"**

Heh. I kid. Seriously, guys, I'm sorry this took so long. It was my fault for starting a story arc right before skool got back in session. The next and hopefully final chapter will come sooner.

course, this doesnt mean im done with these characters. maybe ill keep adding little side-stories like i did on my jthm fics. maybe this story arc will NEVER END! MWAHAHAHAHA! i dunno. youll just have to stay tuned and hope i dont botch things too badly.

-Raven, your Friendly Neptunian Maniac


	5. Flashback

a/n: um. this is a flashback. see note at end of chapter for more.

-------

Dib's ears were still ringing from his sister's words, though she hadn't spoken in what seemed like hours. It seemed so unreal, but then again, look where he was sitting. In a spaceship. Not just any spaceship, either. He was in his sworn enemy's Voot Cruiser, en route to a planet where it was said a strange race of warlike creatures lay in hiding.

He was curled up on the ground, head down and eyes closed. Something had twisted the fragile shell of reason on which Dib's last scraps of sanity rested. A small sound, and he let his memory travel back to that conversation.

"Eh, Dib?"

"Yeah, Gaz?" Dib was busy staring at the solar system going by and barely heard her.

"Um, Dib, I've got something to tell you."

"Yeah, what is it?"

"I'm an alien."

"And? So am I, remember?"

"No, not like that. I mean, well…don't freak out, Dib. Look at me."

Annoyed, Dib glanced at his sister.

And his sister wasn't there.

A bluish hand pushed back violet hair. Red eyes blinked back tears, and the alien stood. It was a foot and a half taller than Dib, skeletal and graceful. A third eye stared sightlessly ahead, though it saw more than human eyes ever could. The creature smiled sadly and addressed him.

"Hi, Dib."

Zim glanced over. "You dropped your shields? Oh, look. The worm baby's experiencing a total breakdown." A cackle of laughter, and he continued. "Well, you had to tell him sometime, I guess. Your family wouldn't recognize you if you showed up in that stupid human suit."

"Th-that's…" Dib stopped, swallowed, and didn't continue.

"Yes, Dib. This is Gaz. I'm from the Neptunian Space Patrol unit 227. I was sent to Earth to destroy it years ago. However, I became attached to my host family and chickened out. Now I guess I've finally completed my mission."

"Oh, God. My sister's an alien."

"Don't freak out, okay? I really have grown attached to you! I'm still Gaz, you know. I just look different. Please don't freak out."

Dib hadn't spoken a word since that moment. Now he raised his head, looked around the ship, and wondered if there were any sharp things lying around.

"Don't even THINK about it, human," snapped Zim, not bothering to turn around.

"Oh, Goddess, what am I going to do?" Gaz, meanwhile, was frantic. "My brother won't talk to me. He thinks I'm a horrible monster. I'm on my way to a home that might decide to have me killed. What else could go wrong?"

"You could be dead," replied Zim flatly.

"Is the Neptunian whining?" asked Tak over the intercom. "Good Goddess, girl. Pull yourself together! I don't want to have to come over there and comfort you. I'm no good at that."

"I'm fine, Tak. Just concentrate on following our ship. Where's Gir?"

"He and Mimi are playing video games in the storage facility."

"Oh, okay. Um….Dib?"

"What?"

"Are you okay?"

"Maybe."

"Good. We'll be there in another hour or two. Make yourself presentable. Unkempt appearances will not be tolerated in the presence of regality. Run along now." Gaz tried not to let her worry show again. It had been too much to let it slip once.

"So….we destroyed the Earth. Now what?" Zim's computer yawned. "After all, you both completed your missions. Plan on going off to another planet and destroying it?"

"I don't know…..maybe." Gaz stared off into space-no pun intended. "But destroying really isn't my thing, you know?"

"When the Tallest hear of my conquest, they might reinstate me as an Invader. In which case, we would become enemies again." Zim glanced at the Neptunian.

"Would you really want that?"

"I...don't know now."

Dib came back. He didn't really look much different than before. His hair was a little less messed-up, but the trench coat was still there. The clothes underneath were wrinkled, but probably clean. It was the best he could do.

"We're approaching the planet. Any last words, Neptunian?" asked Zim's computer.

"Go to hell."

The planet, a swirling mass of blue and green, filled the view screen. Gaz sighed lovingly, tears in her eyes. Home. She was going home. For the first time in decades, Gaz beheld the beauty of her home planet. She knew that what lay beneath the wispy clouds was hardly peaceful, but it was still hers. Nothing could ever change that.

"Gaz. Gaz! NEPTUNIAN!"

Gaz jumped. "What?"

"The planet is asking for an identification. I can't speak Neptunian."

"Oh. Sorry. Um…"

Gaz took the headset Zim was offering to her and switched her translator off.

"Terribly sorry for the delay. My pilot does not understand our language. This is Gaz, soldier 1222, reporting from Irken Voot Cruiser…1337. Accompanied by one other ship, Irken Takship 1, three, sorry, FOUR computer systems, two Irkens, two SIR droids, and a human. Requesting clearance for landing in dock bay 13. Over."

"What exactly did she just say?" asked Dib from the back.

"Shut your noise tube, Dib. Gaz is trying to get us a landing clearance," snapped Zim. "Ignore the child, Gaz. Listen for the reply."

In time, a small crackling sound preceded a low, melodic chatter of conversation. Gaz listened hard, trying to make out everything over the low-grade communications connection. It sounded promising, though years of training had taught Gaz not to let her guard down. EVER.

"Soldier 1222, you've been gone a long time. Why do you choose now to return to us, accompanied by Irkens and a human, no less?" growled the voice over the com link.

"I have come to report the success of my mission and await further instruction, or t least for a safe haven for a few weeks until we can take off for our next destination."

"Very well. You know that we cannot turn down a request for safety when it comes from one of our own. However, a word of warning to your companions: If they get on our bad side, we will tear them limb from limb."

"Thank you, Wolfie."

"Wait a minute…GAZ?"

"Well, who else would it be? It's been awhile, hasn't it?"

"Am I missing something, here?" asked Dib, finally starting to comprehend the conversation.

"Gaz! We thought you were dead! You finally destroyed the humans, huh?"

"Oh, just shut up and give both ships a clearance. Don't fire on the pilot called Tak, alright? She's with me."

"Will do, kid. Can't wait to see you."

"Same here, Wolfgang." Gaz cut the transmission and smiled. "Goddess, I love having a sibling working the security circuit."

"So that's your brother?" Zim was mildly amused. "He sounded like a Vortian."

"Oh, come on. He's really a nice guy."

"You have another brother?" Dib cried, attempting to insert himself into the conversation.

"Yes, Dib. I'm sorry, but my Neptunian family is very large. This one is Wolfgang. He's my younger by 13 years. Er, well, by your standards….about two years. I haven't been home in a long time, and everyone will probably want to see me. That is, everyone who is both still alive and on-planet. We'll stay here for awhile, then take off for wherever it is we want to go."

"Okay, I guess…" Dib sighed. "Why didn't you tell me sooner, Gaz? I mean, I would've had proof of aliens in the form of my little sister! Maybe we wouldn't have…"

"Shut up, Dib." Gaz rounded on him. "We would have done it anyway, you know. I had orders, Zim had orders, and you were screwed up to begin with. Tak alone would have done it. Earth was doomed from the moment it was recognized as a planet by sentient beings. Nobody could have changed that."

"I still wonder, though…"

"Enough with the philosophy!" snapped Tak over the intercom. "We're about to enter the docking bay. Are you certain it's safe?"

"Of course, Tak. My little brother, Wolfie, is working security right now. Nothing's going to happen on his watch."

"I hope not, Neptunian, because if we get shot at, I'm going to wring your scrawny neck!"

"Such a sweet girl," remarked the first of Tak's computers.

"Oh, of course. I wonder if she's experiencing PMS?" replied the other.

"I didn't think she could, but after what I've seen and heard, I wouldn't be surprised."

"Will you two let me concentrate? This docking bay is strange," growled Zim's computer. "I have to compensate for-"

-THUD-

"Well, looks like you did a STELLAR job of landing, calculator," sniggered computer 1.

"Like you could do better, beta brain."

-CRUNCH-

"I see you've managed to decimate half of your outer shell." Zim's computer gave a small laugh and went back to guiding the ship into the space allotted them.

The first thing the travelers noticed when they exited the ship was the lack of light. The hangar was lit only by dim crystals growing out of smooth black walls. No electric lights, no guidelines, and the edges of the black platforms where they stood dropped down without warning into even dimmer chasms of indefinable depth.

This place didn't look too family-friendly.

"Gaz? Gaz, is that you?"

A rather small creature scurried toward them. Its Mohawk was actually taller than the creature itself, and it had enormous red eyes, the third of which was half-closed. It smiled broadly upon catching sight of Gaz.

"Wolfie!" Gaz swept the thing into her arms, nearly crushing its spine in a hug. "I've missed you!"

"O…kay. That was NOT what I was expecting." Dib hung back with Zim and the others, feeling a little uncomfortable.

"Oh, sorry guys. This is Wolfgang, my little brother."

"Did you go through a major growth spurt in the last thirteen years, or is he just really short?" asked Tak, glaring through half-closed eyes at the Neptunians.

"Shut yer noise tube, bimbo," snarled the creature who called itself Wolfgang.

"Don't talk like that, Wolfie. It's not proper."

Gaz slapped her sibling on the top of the head, then dropped him. He landed with a small thud on the ground and got up quickly, cursing under his breath.

"Oh, look, Zim, you're not the shortest one here anymore," remarked Tak dryly, a small smile forming on her lips.

"Come on, Gaz, we better go see the superiors. They gotta reassign you or sumthin. I dunno what exactly's goin on."

Wolfgang scampered off, and Gaz followed close behind.

"That was…different," quipped Dib, still trying to figure out the whole sibling thing.

"Shut up, Dib, and let's go."

Dib hurried off with the others, annoyed but glad not to have to make the decisions for once.

------

"Welcome, brave soldier Gaz," intoned the taller being.

"And welcome, friends of Soldier Gaz," added the slightly less tall one.

"Greetings, O Wise Ones." Gaz bowed respectfully, and her companions followed suit. "I bring good news. The human race has been eradicated. The planet Earth is ready to retake its territory and begin anew. I await your next orders."

"Why are these beings accompanying you, soldier?" asked the taller being.

"They assisted me in the destruction of the human race, O Wise Ones."

"But this big-headed one looks to be human. You, human, did you participate in the destruction of your own race?" The other being leaned over Dib, its three silvered eyes boring holes into his skull.

"Y-Yes, O Wise Ones. I assisted Soldier Gaz, whom I had adopted as a sibling while she served her mission, in destroying the humans. I felt that there was no good left in them and that the planet deserved a second chance at getting things right." Dib tried to draw himself up to his full height, but the incredibly tall beings before him dwarfed the human with effortless ease.

"Well. You are a traitor to your kind, then."

"No, O Wise One. I am sorry to contradict you, but this human was so deeply saddened by humanity's collapse into chaos that he felt it would be best to end the suffering of his fellow beings. I worked with this being and the two Irkens beside me to bring about the end of the age of humans."

"Irkens? HERE?" The taller being's eyes blazed a deep indigo. "How DARE you bring the scum into a sacred place?"

"With all due respect, O Wise Ones," Tak murmured soothingly, "My fellow Irken and I decided to work with Soldier Gaz of our own accord. We have both been banished from Irk, and a kind being took pity on us and allowed us to assist her in her mission. Do not be angry with Gaz. She only wished to help two beings in need."

The taller being was noticeably calmer following Tak's eloquent statement. It smiled, nodded, and extended a spidery hand in acceptance. Tak accepted it and bowed.

"I am Tak, O Wise Ones. My fellow Irken is Zim, and the human is Dib. The SIR units behind us are GIR and Mimi. It is a pleasure to be here."

"Thank you, Tak. Please excuse me, but Soldier Gaz and we have much to talk about. You and your friends are welcome to wait in the chambers behind the throne room, but we must speak with Gaz privately."

Tak bowed again and left, trailing her companions behind her.

"Down to business, then," chirped the lesser tall being as soon as the door hissed closed.

"Gaz, what is your report?"

"Ninety-eight percent of all human life destroyed, and not a hair or blade of grass more. My Earth sibling made sure that the bombs he detonated targeted only human DNA."

"Good, good. Now, I suppose we must reassign you. Give you new orders, that sort of thing. Miyuki?" The lesser tall being yawned. "What do we do with her?"

"Well, protocol says that she should destroy her companions, I suppose."

"SPORK!" snapped Miyuki. "Out of the question!"

"Yes, yes, I know. Perhaps she should monitor Earth's progress toward a new future."

"That sounds good. How about it, Gaz?"

"I like the idea. I just hope everyone will be willing to go along with it."

"I think they'll be more than happy to go back. If anything, they'll want to congratulate themselves on a job well done. Yes, that will be your new assignment. Keep in touch. We expect updates at least every six Earth months, if not more frequently. Understood?"

"Yes, O Wise Ones. I understand."

"Good. You're excused. By the way…" Spork smiled. "It really was nice to see you again."

"Same here, Spork." Gaz hugged her leaders and quickly went off to join her companions.

-----

"So what are we going to do, then?"

Zim looked at Gaz expectantly.

"We're heading back for Earth. My superiors want us to monitor the planet's progress and finish off any remaining troublesome humans." Gaz leaned back in her chair. "Everybody okay with that?"

"Yeah, of course." Dib grinned. "I'm actually looking forward to seeing what the planet comes up with."

"Why not? I'm getting bored here anyway." Tak yawned.

"Good, good. Perhaps the Tallest will hear of what we have done and reinstate me as an invader." Zim, ever the hopeful one, grinned at the thought.

"Let's just go, guys. See ya, Wolfie. Hope to be back soon."

"You're not even going to stay for a visit to the folks?"

"No, I'm sorry, but the sooner we leave, the better."

"Okay, then. See you around."

Gaz smiled and left, her companions trailing behind.

"Come on, guys. Let's go."

Miss Bitters wasn't human. That much was certain. No one could figure out how else she would have survived the bomb. Not when one had been detonated so close to the skool where she was teaching a class. Nothing could kill that crone.

At the moment, she was taking refuge in the basement, or at least, what HAD been the basement of the skool. With her were a few battered children and a strange assortment of ragged adults, mostly cartoonists. For some reason, the bombs hadn't affected the latter very much. At any rate, they were tired, hungry, and thoroughly sick of Miss Bitters' company.

"Good GOD, woman," cried one of the adults, a heavily tattooed man by the name of Roman, "Why don't you just DIE already?"

"Oh, like you couldn't have died yourself," snapped Bitters. "When I was a little girl-"

"SHUT UP!" screamed everyone else.

"You! Go catch something to eat!" Bitters ordered a small child.

"But-"

"NOW!"

The hapless girl ran off, her bare feet skittering over the rubble with an agility born of necessity. Bitters wasted no time watching her leave, instead ordering a trap to be laid to catch the child upon her return. Cannibalism was not beneath her, and it was no longer beneath her companions, as far as she was concerned.

"Hey, um, Bitters," stuttered another nameless adult. "Uh, couldn't we just catch a bunch of rats or something? I mean, they're all over the place. It wouldn't be that-"

-BOOM-

The nameless adult was now a pile of charred meat. Bitters devoured it in seconds, leaving her companions to catch the child, and left the refuge.

"Great. So we have to go back to that Godforsaken planet?" muttered Dib, methodically shredding a piece of paper.

"Yes, Dib, I'm afraid so. We have to check up on the planet, make sure nothing's out of order. You know, the like." Gaz stared out the window with a glazed expression on her face. "I'm almost looking forward to seeing it. Perhaps in the short time we've been gone, the remaining inhabitants have even begun to rebuild! Oh, that would be just LOVELY."

"I hate that miserable rock," growled Zim. "Why must we go back to it? I want to get in touch with the Tallest!"

"Later, Zim. First we have to see if there are any creatures who are trying to launch a counter-strike." Tak's matter-of-fact voice sounded tinny through the com link, but the effect did little to diminish the menacing quality of it.

"…Grr. Okay. Gir, get the ship ready for landing! I have some business to attend to."

Zim stalked off, left the room, and could be heard screaming from somewhere near the storage facility. He didn't return until the ship had already landed on the charred remains of the Skool.

As soon as they left the ship, swarms of angry humans swallowed the group. They clawed at them, screamed, and otherwise were very unpleasant.

"Uh…everything is okay here!" cried Gaz. "BACK TO THE SHIP!"

"Now what?" asked Zim's computer a time later.

"I say we head for Venus. You know, the people there are really quite nice. How do we all feel about Venus?" asked Gaz.

"Pretty good" was the general consensus.

And so they were off to Venus.

-----

a/n: um. I don't think I've posted this one before. If I have, let me know and ill remove the chappie. It was sposta go somewhere….after the second chapter of this fic, I think. Just think of it as a flashback….;;;

-raven-chan


	6. Aliens

"Whoa."

Such was the general consensus as the lights flickered on, bathing the room in a bloody red glow. Dib stepped in front of Gaz instinctively, knowing even as his feet moved that he could do nothing to protect her.

As it was, Gaz dropped her disguise, rearing up to her full height. The inhuman creature seated a desk in the center of the room let out a hiss of surprise. Gaz motioned for Dib to get behind her, and he reluctantly obeyed.

"I didn't think the Armada would send such a motley little group of creatures after me," laughed Miss Bitters harshly. "We captured the Vortian and the Irken and thought that was all."

"You—" Gaz bit her tongue, figuratively speaking. "Shit."

"Hi, guys," giggled Tenn from the corner where she and 777 sat bound and watched carefully by guards.

"Don't bother trying to rescue us yet," sighed 777, crossing his arms over his chest as best he could manage. "Take their leader out first."

"He's right," sniggered Miss Bitters. "You need to focus on me."

Suddenly, Gaz and Dib found themselves shackled to iron rings in the floor. They glanced back to see their SIR units and the inside agents receiving similar treatment. Dib's first thought was one of despair, but he quickly noticed something missing…

"Gaz," he hissed, "they—"

"I know," breathed Gaz in his ear. "Don't say anything."

Dib nodded. He turned slowly to face Miss Bitters, and suddenly she wasn't there. In her place crouched a horrid, nightmarish creature with red eyes and venomous-looking horns jutting from its temples. It sneered at him, showing its razor-sharp fangs.

"Okay, this is just stupid," Dib cried, throwing his hands up in the air as best he could. "Zim's an alien, my sister's an alien, now Miss BITTERS is an alien! What next? Are those two guys aliens too!" He jabbed a thumb in the direction of Scolex and Taxidermied. "Come on! I demand to know!"

"Um." Scolex looked away.

"Oh, _fuck_ this," laughed Dib, sitting down.

"No," sighed Scolex. "I mean 'look, there's something about to—'"

With only that warning, the door imploded.

---

A/N: heh. That's what I get for liking cliffhangers. Sorry this chapter is so short….im sure ill get another chapter up soon. I hope.

-raven-chan


	7. ITS TEH RESISTY! well, kind of

When Dib looked out the door, he saw that the entire Resisty ship had just crash-landed next to Bitters' lair. The bit sticking through what had previously been the door turned out to be the main airlock. Said airlock creaked open, both halves of the entrance badly dented. And standing on the platform was—

"I don't believe it," Gaz deadpanned. "It's Zim."

"Prepare for some DOOM!" crowed Zim, leaping from the airlock like some sort of old-time action hero. "The wrath of the RESISTY is upon you all!"

Skoodge stumbled after, a giant, wicked-looking gun clutched in his hands. Tak and Lard Nar followed close behind with guns of their own. Gaz sighed sadly and watched their would-be rescuers become ensnared in traps similar to the one holding her.

"What a pathetic little display," cackled Bitters, stretching her long limbs. "I'm almost disappointed in you. I thought you'd have more fight in you."

"Don't be so sure we're down for the count," snickered Zim before Tak clamped a hand over his mouth.

"What are you talking about—" Bitters paled. "Oh."

Gir snuck up behind Gaz and unlocked her shackles before diving for Bitters.

"I WANNA MAKE WAFFLES!" he screeched, attaching himself to Bitters' head.

It screamed and flailed around wildly as Gir's cuteness worked like acid on its eyes. Gir, oblivious to the commotion, giggled and squealed something about bugs.

Gaz quickly took out the guards before releasing her comrades. Zim picked up his gun and aimed for Bitters, but it was moving around too much to get a good shot in. Skoodge attempted to pry Gir off of Bitters' face while Taxidermied and Scolex went off to deal with the reinforcements that were by now streaming into the room.

"FINISH HIM!" thundered Gir in a shockingly creepy voice, finally letting go of Bitters' head.

DIV and Rei fired cannons at the same time Zim, Tak, Tenn, and 777 fired their guns. A burst of plasma-intensified light blinded them for a second, and then a blast of pure energy engulfed the classroom.

---

a/n: is this the end? Huh? Huh? I don't think so. Bitters wouldn't die THAT easy.

But I needed something to post before I went to anime detour. So there you are. Cliffhangers! Woot.

-raven-chan

(btw, sorry its so short. i dont have much time to write anymore. sadness)


End file.
